Chapter from the novel "Lights far away" of Holdor Volcano
Translated by from the uzbek language Sarah Kendzyor. U.S.A
First Love.
I don"t subscribe to the saying "There is no love in this world, the road of love is to the bed." Because in my youth a great wind of love swept me a way like a harsh summer wind sweeps away the crops. There was a girl in my village, Gulandom, whom I loved, and like a person bewitched by a jinn, I dreamt of her constantly. I never tired of seeing her face. If I saw her with other girls, I would say "ohhh" and duck away quickly. I could not summon the courage to write her a letter telling her of my love. I worried that if I wrote her, she"d say something like: "I beg your pardon, but I do not love you. Please don"t write me any more letters," or that she would write me a negative response, or tear up my letters. The road seemed to be blocked.I wanted to fearlessly say to her, "Guli, I am in love with you" but when I stood before her I couldn"t even speak. This was especially true if a movie would come to our village, which for me was a happy occasion, because my heart would leap at the thought of Guli also attending this movie. I would wash and get dressed up and head out for the evening event. As it became dark, people would sit out on the grass. Women would come out, excited to see the show, chatting and sewing fancy clothes, stomping ants that crawled on the ground.
The film that was playing was called "Sangam". I watched with my own eyes as people wept, moved by the main character Sundr, who gazed at the sky in order to keep from crying and sang a piano song about an unfaithful friend. Like Sundr I wanted to be an aviator, supporting my homeland in the military, jumping from a parachute while under siege, a military commander presumed to be dead: "In the course of defending the homeland, Xaldarsinx died a heroic death and has been named a hero of the Soviet Union. In front of the office of the "Maslaxat" collective farm an official document proclaiming his heroism and a military order covered in dark cloth are to be delivered to his father, Abdumalik aka, and to Guli. If I recover in the hospital, a black ribbon affixed to my picture, as she weeps, lips trembling, as she regards the documents, then like Sunder I will look elsewhere in order to stop the tears flowing from my eyes over the piano song of his unfaithful friend.. Guli:
"Xaldarsinx, I swear to God, stop it, this song of yours! You have won my heart with what you have written!" I wished she would say, and if she cried, I would keep on singing, and singing...However, my dream did not come to pass. I could not be an aviator. And when I joined the military, Guli had already married a boy named Muzaffar. One very rainy day we ran into each other in the village shopping district. She had a child in her arms. We inquired as to our respective situations, and as we walked along we began to talk. "Xoldor-aka, when we were young we had such good times, it was almost like a fairy tale." I said: " Yesss, and now that I"ve become a writer and poet who has published books, I do not know if what I"ve said has emptied the treasure trove of words that I have."
"If your sons marry, will you invite me to the wedding?" she asked.
"Of course," I answered. Finally it became time for us to say goodbye.
"Xoldor-aka," Guli said, "has our time walking together on this road come to an end...?"
I understood then that Guli had always loved me and still does today. When we were young I had thought of myself as an ugly child, and so I never told Guli of my love for her, I had many insecurities. We spent a long time that day in the rain, saying goodbye. Guli finally left to make her way home, and as I watched her go, I stood in the rain and cried. Oh Guli, Guli, I am so ashamed, why do I love, yet only tell myself? Afterwards I took out my notebook and pen and wrote:
Today I saw the girl I loved on the street
Her hair grew lighter as she left.
This world is very curious. I separated from my first wife, and then married again. My wife"s name is Gulsora but I call her Guli. Every time I say Guli I am reminded of my first love Gulandom walking into the distance. When I told this to my wife, she laughed. She takes pity on me.