"Never let anybody decide, what is evil and what is kindness... Never let anybody decide, what is virtue and what is vice... Never let anybody decide, who you must listen to and what you must believe in... Never let anybody decide, what is truth and what is lie... INSTEAD OF YOU. Never throw your freedom away to God. Use your true right to be free. Use your true right to choose. Use your true right on a love".
* * *
"The psychohospital of Erhard town, Lincolnshire, England
The medical conclusion from 19th of June, 1975:
Surname of patient: Laurel Middle name of patient: Anna First name of patient: Blaze
Birthdate: 20th of August, 1953
Address: 11639, England, Lincolnshire, Erchard town, 12th street, 7
Diagnosis: i n s a n i t y".
* * *
Good morning, Blaze.
Good morning, doctor Whitelaw.
How are you doing today?
I am fine, sir. Thank you. I really don't need any help. I do feel absolutely well and healthy...
That's very well...
... and so I'm waiting for your permission to let me go and come back home.
I'm waiting for the moment when I'm able to give you such permission too, Blaze. But I still have got some questions to you. And I really hope you will give me the true answers. This is the time to begin our conversation, if you don't mind...
I don't mind.
All right. I must learn something from you: tell me, do you remember anything about any event of the 12th of June, 1975?
I do remember.
Please, tell me more about it. What were you doing? Could you please start your description from the things, happened at the early morning?
I was talking to him...
To him? Who is he?
He is my lover. He is my fiance.
What is his name?
Johnathan Andrew Swiss.
Who told you it?
How did you meet him? And where?
He found me. In my own small room. He came to me. He gifted me a bunch of flowers. Beautiful, fresh and pure like the angel's kiss... he loves me. And I love him too. Much more than a life. Much more than any God. But... I'm so guilty in front of him... I've made a freaky mistake... I didn't listen to him when he prayed... when I HAD TO LISTEN TO HIM!...
Please, try to calm down, Blaze. We both should...
Yes. I know what I should do.
You said you were talking to a man named Johnathan Andrew Swiss. Was he coming to you in your house? Or maybe there was a telephone conversation? Where he was during that conversation? Next to you?
Next to me. And faraway from me. And inside of me. He was everywhere. He IS everywhere. He fills everything up with himself like a God.
All right... what else do you know about him?
Everything. He was born at 30th of September, 1950. He lived in London. His parents were discovering the history of the protestant union named "Philadelphia Brotherhood", found by John Pordage in 1652...
How could you know about it, Blaze?...
I have already explained. Johnathan told me. He told me about his family because he has already everything about mine. I asked thousands of questions, and he always was giving me only the right answers... though it seemed to be impossible...
He knew everything about your family?
How did he explain that to you?
I didn't need an explanation. I did trust him more than anybody else, more than myself. And I still do, keep on trusting him even now. Especcially now. I know that he would never leave me. He said that nobody and nothing could keep us apart and that I only must believe him. And I believe, because he's the only one in this world, who's worth of it.
That's clear... but why did you say that you are guilty in front of Johnathan? What is your fault?
His murder is my fault. He died because of me. He was begging me to save him when I could and when I had to do it. But I was too weak... too foolish and too blind. He was trying to help me to look in the future and to think about the future, but I was scared... I couldn't fight against this fear and so I lost... but for this defeat we both had to pay such a huge price... but he forgave me... nevertheless... he is SAINT...
He knows everything about a death, and so it means that he also knows everything about a life.
You said he had been murdered. How did you learn it?
Firstly he told me about it. He rushed in and squeezed me so that I began to suffocate... he was like a child, looking for a protection from his mother... he said he was wounded... it was the very first and the very last time when I saw him so... s-so... so phantastically clear... so lively... so... I don't know! I'm not wise enough to describe my own feelings with the casual simple words! I'm so sorry... I hate myself for this ugliness... please, forgive me... I still hope you understand...
Of course, I do. You mustn't ask for forgiveness. Just go on. I want to listen to you until the end.
Johnathan was bleeding... the drops of his blood were falling on my hands, on the linen and on the floor... he was shivering of pain... he was in... in agony!... mand he always repeated the same words: "It's so hurt... it's so hurt... so... hurt"... oh God... Johnathan... Johnathan!... p-please, forgive me!... it was my fault!...
Blaze, you should...
No! You don't understand!... he had a wound in the throat! Do you hear me?! IN THE THROAT! It happened at 10th of June! This bustard murdered him, thrusting a knife in his throat! The London newspapers wrote about it at the same evening! He did thrust himn when Johnathan was trying to stop the fight, because he hated the stupid human violence! It's happened in a few steps behind the university! IN A FEW STEPS behind the university, and there were no witnesses! Nobody knew nothing! They only put his corpse on the stretcher and drove him away!... he left the murderer without a punishment! Is it at justice?! I would be the furst who would drive a nail into the flesh of a God, proclaiming such justice!...
You needed to say it loud. Now, after you did, you must feel better. I hope it really helped you.
Nothing and nobody could help anymore... but at least you're trying to. You don't close your eyes and turn away... like all the others do... no one wanted to give me a hand... I was so alone... Johnathan didn't leave me... he was the only one who stayed next to me... even after the death... he taught me that death didn't exist as the end of life... he taught me that death only existed as the continuous of life... if you really do believe in this truth... and that you mustn't force your soul to die and to decompose like your flesh when you heart stops beating...
Nobody knows what death really is, so nobody could prove are you right or wrong. I'm only sure that people with their limited feelings and incomplete mind have no right to judge, what is the bend and what is the beginning of a real life.
I learned it not from a human with a limited feelings and incomplete mind... but from an angel. Johnathan is an angel. Now and always. And I could be blessed if I would find him somewhere in this world, in the ugly damned London or anywhere else, but in THIS space, in THIS time and in THIS reality!... he could become happy, I could become blessed... but now we'll never be... all because of the nasty bustard... he has already been dead for long ago... he's never been worth of life!... he's never been among those who are alive. M-murderer... he is the murderer... and you all consider him to be the innocent victim... WE were his victims... somebody just had to stop it.
Are you talking about Johnathan's murderer?
Do you know his name?
Yes, I know. His name is Brian William Laurel.
Brian William Laurel. My younger brother. Who was, luckily, WAS studying in London... in the same university of graphic arts. He murdered Johnathan Swiss. It happened at 10th of June. At five o'clock, when most of the lectures have been already over, and so the yard behind the university stayed almost empty... it was he who did thrust a knife in the throat of his victim...
How could you know that?!...
Because I saw that. Johnathan showed me that. I saw everything... from the very beginning till the very end... I... I know the truth! My brother was a murderer!... now everything has become so clear... he knew it... he always knew it... he predicted our future at 1963... when we both were just a little children... but he knew the truth... he opened it to me because I had to use this truth to change the future... but I got lost on this way... and found my true lighted path only at 12th of June...
At 12th of June... it is the day when you brother was killed...
Yes. By the fire and my own hands. And I'm so happy that finally I've done what I always had to do. Johnathan helped me to open my eyes. He told me that I must stop this monster... and I answered that I had to do that twelve years ago, but I didn't, and so nothing will prevent me... I've only done what has to be done anyway... twelve years earlier...
You want to say that already after the death Johnathan Andrew Swiss - no matter who was he - was forcing you to kill your brother Brian?!...
No. He wasn't forcing me. He was begging me. Like a christian begs a God for salvation and forgiveness... but it was my decision. It was my own choise, do you understand?! Haven't I got the right to decide what is kindness and what is evil?! Haven't I got the right on a choise?!... then which right I actually have got?! The right to be someone's slave?! The right to be trembled in a dirt?!... the right to be...
Blaze, listen to me, please...
NO! You're staring at me like if I'm insane! I've never been insane! I've been the only one eye-sighted among the blind herd!...
I love him! I will anyway be with him! I will find him wherever he is now!... do you hear me?! I love him! I LOVE HIM AS MUCH AS HE LOVES ME!... what else could have the meaning?! You want to know, what have I done?! All right, listen up! BE HOLD, GOD DAMNED!... I locked this bustard in his room! With the parents, who rushed to meet him when he came back home from London AFTER THE MURDER! They knew nothing about him and I knew everything! I didn't want to wait any longer! I didn't want to forgive him! And parents... parents were always at his side! Just like if I've always been their enemy! They hated me! But so why?!... I hated them too!
I really don't think that your family...
What? My family?! I locked them in the room of that bustard! Locked and burned it all to let the fire make the place they filled up with dirt pure as before! They were screaming and knocking on the door, but the door was locked, Locked and LOCKED!... and the grating on the windows was too hard to break it away!... they were caught in a trap! They were doomed! They were obsessed because of the fear! And I was standing on a street, hiding behind the housewall and watching their dirty fleshes burning!... and was waiting for Johnathan... he came... he told me what I had to learn from him... and I finally felt myself blessed!... that's how it was... that's what I have done!... to be blessed and to be beloved... isn't it the real sence of our life?! Isn't it our lighted path?!... no... everything's senceless... you don't understand... still nobody understands... but no matter... for you - NO MATTER!..."
* * *
"A note from the local London newspaper "West of the Capital", ?46:
"The murder has been done on the territory of London University of Graphic Arts at 10th of June (1975), apprx. at five o'clock. The judical investigaion has begun. The personality of victim of the unknown murderer has been quickly determined. The 24 y.o. Johnathan A. Swiss was murdered by the knife blow in the throat and died momently at the crime scene. J.A. Swiss was the son of London protestant priest Andrew Paul Swiss and the 3rd year student of London University of Graphic Arts...
...the judical investigation is now working above two main versions of a crime: murder, based on a personal dislike, and murder, based on religious motives..."
* * *
"My darkest memories"
The diary, written by Blaze Anna Laurel:
"7th of May, 1963:to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to me please listen to please listen to me!!!...everybody's always silent? I really can't understand... am I speechless?! Am I dumb?! Do I speak the unknown language?..."
"8th of May, 1963:please listen to me mommy please listen to me mommy mommy I beg you I need you so much I am dying without you and daddy I need you both so much I need your help please don't leave me alone please don't leave me alone please give me your hand I beg you save me!... mommy!... daddy!... I'm calling out your names every moment, but you never respond!... you never turn around and never try to help me! Mommy! Daddy! I love you so much! I need you so much! Please help me!... I am your daughter! Do you remember about me though sometimes?!.. I am so lonely... I am so scared!... mommy!... daddy!... Jesus Christ! Maria! Somebody! Anybody!... does though anybody in this world need me?! I can't believe that nobody does!... I am not a damned sinner! I am not a liar, not a betrayal, not a harlot!... I've never done nothing of bad! Please listen to me! Please listen to me somebody please listen to me!..."
"9th of May, 1963:! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Oh God... I'm losing my mind... what am I about to do now?! Hello! HELLO!..."
"10th of May, 1963:. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. I keep on losing my mind... I still don't know what am I about to do now... silence. SILENCE".
* * *next pages are torn out of a diary. Three next pages are burnt. The only words that still could be read are: "listen to me", "silence", "lonely", "lost", "mommy", "daddy", "Brian the younger brother"... "hate", "injustice", "hurt", "pain", "madness", "fear" and "DEATH"... such a simple short words... it could so easily and clear describe her ugly little toy named "a life"... she wished she could throw this nasty toy away, further from herself, but she kept on holding it in her arms, and kept on mourning... everyday. Every moment. A helpless little girl. Lost in the pain and fear. Poisoned by the grieving and slowly turning into obsession thoughts. So lonely... like a roaming exhausted exile in the boardless red desert... a little victim of indifference. She has been doomed. Until he came in and changed everything, like the scariest disaster... and she followed him, as the waters follow the Moon.
* * *
"28th of May, 1963:began at nine o'clock. In my room. I was sitting at the table and reading a book. It was a Bible. I believe in God and in His kindness, and so I was trying to find the answers for myself from His book... I was so... drowned into the revealing of His secret testaments... I was almost crying... I nearly stopped breathing... but suddenly... someone invincible did shut the book! Right in front of my face! Someone's strong and cold hands... I felt the cold from it's invincible skin!... this "someone" did shut the book with such a terrible, freaky hate, that I... I was afraid... but something explained me that I mustn't be afraid... the book fell down on the floor, and I strangely realized that I DON'T WANT to pick it up and put it back on the table... then I heard a silent tap... it has becoming louder and louder with every second... it was sounding from every corner, from under the ceiling, from everywhere... I was trying to stop my ears, but anyway I could hear everything... I knew that maybe I needed to runaway, to rush into the living-room, to scream, to beg my parents to help me... but something stopped me and I kept on being paralyzed, kept on sitting on a chair, while this noise was surrounding me from everywhere... but then... then everything became as silent as before. Everything stopped as quickly and suddenly as it began. I looked at the clocks on the wall. There was a quarter past nine..."
"29th of May, 1963:course, I told nothing to my parents. Because at that day I have already understood, that even if I would tell them everything, nothing would anyway change: they would pay no attention on me... just like if I don't exist at all... and so I decided to keep the silence.. as always... for them nothing ever changes... was about nine o'clock again, and I was in my room, as yesterday... I was only lying in a bed. Totally confused. Frustrated. Lost in my own feelings... I didn't know what I wanted to happen... I didn't know if I wanted to see this strange scene, to feel the cold, to hear the noise... but also I didn't realize if I wanted everything to remain the same... oh God... such a terrifying, horrible feeling... like if I was burning on a slow fire... I tried to fall asleep and at the smae time I tried to hear the silence so tensely that I felt a headache... but anyway... whatever I was thinking of and and whatever I wished to happen.... IT came back to me again... the lamp was turned off, and I heard the taps in the darkness again... these taps were moving from everywhere closer and closer to me... I tried to hide under the blanket and at the same time I madly wanted to let these sounds come under my skin, inside of my body... I wanted IT to be in my blood and in my heart, because IT was the only... the only thing that could understand me... the only true friend of mine... oh God!... I don't understand anything! I can't recognize myself! What's going on with me?! Blaze! Wake up! Open your eyes! What's wrong?! NO! Nothing's wrong! This is the truth!... HERE is the truth!... you have a chance to live! You have fifteen minutes of life every evening, gifted by IT!... but... but... WHAT IS "IT"?!... I don't know... but I must find it out. I must find it out! Tomorrow! No! Tomorrow it may not to come! This evening, this meeting could be the very last! Right now! I must do it right now!... I quickly stood up on my bed and screamed: "Who are you?! WHO ARE YOU?!.."was I doing? What was I thinking of? How could IT happen? I mean... how could IT give me the answer?!... I had no idea... the tap's become much more louder... now it wasn't just a senceless noise... no! It was... it was a melody!... It was a music, a real music!... IT was trying to give me answer... IT was searching for the way to do it! Searching, but couldn't find! It was turning into a madness!... IT was scratching the wallpapers, the ceiling, the door and the furniture, IT was throwing a books away from the shelves, breaking the pots with the flowers, tearing a curtains and a linen... but IT could write a letter... couldn't complete a word... I was so scared... I was paralyzed by the fear again... but it wasn't a fear for myself... it was the fear for IT... I was afraid that IT could get hurt!... I was feeling it's pain together with IT!... until the very end. Until everything became silent again. I looked around my crashed destroyed room and carefully tried to imagine, what could be so importtant to let me know... then I turned my sight on the clocks. I thought there was, just like yesterday, a quarter past nine...but I was wrong. There's been alre4ady a half past nine... IT stayed with me longer tonight, and I... I don't know why, but it made me feel so happy... like if there was a very dim spark of a very strange hope... hope for what? I had no idea... maybe, for salvation... for changes... for another future... but how... it was just a delirium... an absolute nonsence... or maybe not?!... how could I know it for sure?! WHO AM I to know it for sure?! I AM NOTHING!...at that evening I went downstairs to see my parents... I was afraid they could learn about everything happened and try to prevent IT to come back to me again... and I have already understood that I won't have any strength to stay alive, if it's really going to happen.... I will die if I lose IT... and I didn't want to die. Now I only wanted to learn the truth. I surely believed that it all couldn't just happen with me without any reason... it was impossible... and so I must understand what was this secret reason... looked in the keyhole. Mother and father were sitting on a floor and playing with Brian... with this foolish little... no matter. With their pretty bright toy, that's what he really has been for them during all the seven years of his life... of his "life"... it's not important too. They were laughing and talking about all the foolish things... it is so surprisingly, that... but my eyes couldn't deceive me so freaky! No! They really looked like if... if they heard NOTHING!... oh God!... during all the time I was sharing my thought with this diary I thought they couldn't hear me because I was dumb, but... now I see that I was wrong. They didn't ever hear me screaming because they were deaf!..."
"30th of May, 1963:was the day when I finally understood whatg to do to help IT give me tyhe answers I really needed. I have already heard about that trick for a few times - occassionally and really not seriously... but now it seemed to be the only chance for me to learn the truth from that strange creature. visiting me in my room every evening. I took a big white sheet of paper - one of those sheets of paper that were bought by my parents for Brian to teach him to draw... I saw some of his pictures. Unfortunately and occassionally. There were the terribly foolish and helpless arts, drawn just because Brian was gently asked by his mommy and daddy to draw something... he kept on conviencing that after a school he will enter the University of Graphic Arts in London. Because he has already realized it could be a huge honor and success for an ordinary (and to say truly - giftless and selfish) boy from a small provincial town. It was so embarassing to understand: mother and father were playing not only simple childish games with him... how nasty... but no matter... when the very end comes, everyone will have a price to pay. And not even mommy and daddy could pay it instead of him... cut a circle from paper and wrote a letters in the alphabetical order. Then I took a pencil and put it in the very center of that paper circle, so that it could be used as an arrow... that was all. I prayed to all the gods I knew to make it work... i prayed, realizing that none of them could hear me, because they always proclaim it was an evil, which I must neither hear nor see... but I hoped so much that IT'S secret will be revealed tonight... I've never wanted anything more than that "conversation" in my life... couldn't ask for more, I only wished IT could come back to me tonight... I couldn't wait any longer, dying of impatience and anxiety... and I was so madly excited that I felt a sharp pain in the each cell of my body... and the time... this damned time seemed to be frozen, and the arrows of the clocks seemed to be stopped and almost didn't move forward anymore!... I thought I would die before IT comes back in my room... but IT helped me to stay alive... IT came! Time couldn't be stopped forever! There was again nine o'clock of the evening when I finally heard that already familiar and getting louder tap... strange fascinating melody, achieving me and surrounding me like a cocone...
Hello!... and thank you for return, - said I and put a paper alphabet circle with a pencil in the center on the bed, next to myself. I was quickly getting more and more thrilled and excited, because I saw that the pencil momently began to move in the different sides, like n the impatient expectation of something... of my questions. Now I realized it completely. So I looked around my room, trying to find this invisuable mystical creature... and then I set my handsaround a circle and slowly, separating and emphasyzing every word, asked:
Who Are You?pencil just kept on spontaneously moving above the written letters, but those letters couldn't complete in the words... firstly... only at the very first minute... but then... then IT GAVE ME THE ANSWER!... IT LEFT A MESSAGE FOR ME!...
H U M A N's what I read, letter by letter... human... I was talking to a human... oh God!... nothing could make me more happy at that moment! A human! A friend!
What is your name?!...
J O H N A T H A N A N D R E W S W I S S A N D Y O U R S I S B L A Z E N N A L A U R E L
Yes!... but how could you know it?!...
I K N O W E V E R Y T H I N TG A B O U T Y O U I A L W A Y S K N E W O U A N D Y O U R F A M I L Y I L O V E Y O U God!... I couldn't believe to my own eyes... I... I was so... so... no, I can't describe what I felt at that evening!...
You love me?!...
I L O V E Y O U A N D I K N O W W E A R E D O O M E D T O B E O G E T H E R B E L I E V E M E I T I S T R U T H I T A N Y W A YI L L B E S O W E W I L L F I N D E A C H O T H E R
Find... find each other... yes!... but... where are you now?! Here, in Erchard?!...
N O I H A V E N E V E R B E E N I N E R C H A R D I W A S B O R N N D L I V E I N L O N D O N
How old are you?...
A L M O S T T H I R T E E N A N D Y O U A R E A L M O S T T E N I N O W Y O U A R E T H E O L D E S T C H I L D I N Y O U RA M I L Y Y O U H A V E A B R O T H E R N A M E D B R I A N H E I SE V E N
Yes... but, please... don't mention him... I... I hate him... I always hated him... I don't know why... but I don't want to hear anything about him, please...
B U T Y O U M U S T H E A R A B O U T H I M Y O U W I L L H E A R B O U T H I M N O T O N C E
What?! What do you mean? Wait up!... answer me!no - he didn't answer at that time. He told me nothing... why not? I couldn't understand why did he leave so suddenly at that night... he just disappeared and left me alone... for another twenty four hours...but taking a look back at that night I really do understand that I've never felt so happy and so... so ALIVE!... Johnathan Andrew Swiss... I would give my life just to see his face... occassionally, shortly... for the only moment... he filled my existence up with a sence and with a desire to fight for it... just the only one conversation... damned, it can't even be called like this - "conversation"!... but it doesn't matter... the only thing that has the meaning tonight is that strange understanding that I'm not as alone as I've always been scared to be, and that somebody in this world does need me... somebody in this country... somebody, living on the Island of Angels... so faraway and so closely at the same time... oh God... Erchard and London... there only a hundreds of kilometres between our homes... and only the very beginning of our lives... isn't it truth?! We still have a chance to meet each other... in the total reality... in the ordinary reality... don't we have a chance to... we have. At least I have the right to believe in it..."
* * *six pages. From 31st of May till 12th of June. Whole the life. Whole the life she spent with him. Lasted like the sweetest eternity. She wrote each of their words in the symbols and signs nobody could recognize, like if her small diary has turned into a grimoire. Twenty six pages of revelations. She wanted it to be mystery for all the mankind, and she wanted this mystery to be buried with her in the soil one day. But suddenly something has changed... so unexpectably and strangely... Johnathan Andrew Swiss... he told her something that scared her more than the loneliness and even more than indifference... he told her something that made her shocked... made her scream of fear. It was just like a first hit of a thunderstorm.
* * *
"The 13th of June, 1963:no... no! I can't believe it's truth! It's impossible!... it's just a delirium! Nothing more but my own delirium! No! NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!..."
"The 14th of June, 1963:he... he s-said... r-rep-peated it once again... word in a word... s-saint Creator... this is madness! I... I'm asking him once again: "I love you, what I have to do to be together with you?..." - and he... he's answering me, marking the letters on a paper, all the same words again:
Y O U H A V E T O K I L L Y O U R B R O T H E R Christ... I think I'm slightly going mad... I beg him to repeat it once again... and Johnathan Andrew Swiss agrees:
Y O U H A V E T O K I L L Y O U R B R O T H E R
No... no, please!... it's impossible! I cannot do that! I cannot do what you want me to do! Johnathan, please!... explain me though why do you ask me about it?! I don't want to become a murderer! I don't want to kill a human! Johnathan! Tell me, what's going on?! Johnathan!...
Y O U H A V E T O K I L L Y O U R B R O T H E R
No! N-no-o... Johnathan, I can't! I CAN'T!..."
"15th of June, 1963:he asked me to kill my younger brother again. So strictly and surely that I begin to believe that something... no... NO!... it can't be truth! I love Johnathan! He's the closest mand for me in whole the world! And I don't care if someone could find if strangely and false! Do you all hear me?! I know you do! YOU MUST KNOW THAT I DON'T CARE WHAT DO YOU THINK!... but... but he added also:
I F Y O U W A N T U S T O B E T O G E T H E R Y O U M U S T K I L L O U R B R O T H E R Y O U M U S T D O I T T O N I G H T O R I T W I L LE T O O L A T E A N D N O O N E W I L L C H A N G E N O T H I N G
N-no... I cannot do that... I... I... please, Johnathan...
Y O U H A V E T H E C H O I S E D O W H A T Y O U W A N T I W I L L O V E Y O U A N Y W A Y G O O D B Y E F O R N O W N O T A R E W E L L so he left... ... I love you so much... you come to me everynight in my dreams... I do discover every feature of your face and enjoy... I need you... I cannot live without you... you mean more than anybody else in this world for me... and my brother... yes, I hate him. I want him to disappear from my life forever... but... it's not the reason to turn into a murderer, is it?! He's just a child! He's only seven years old! What could he do?! What the harm he could bring?! "Or it will be too late", - what does it mean?... no... I don't understand... the only thing I really know is that I... I cannot kill my brother... it's the only thing I do know for sure. I... I spent a half of that night, standing next to Brian's bed and looking at him... oh God, no!.... I rushed away from his room when this damned nasty thought came into my mind for the very first time... no! NO! Johnathan said I must kill my brother!... he said it could be my very last chance... no! Johnathan, I love you! But I can't kill a child!... I'm so sorry... I'm really at loss what to do!... I only hope you won't leave me tomorrow... and that one day I will understand what was the real sence of your plea..."
"16th of June, 1963:strangely... Brian left today... in London... mother was speaking about it all the day... I realized from her speech that Brian will spend a summer at his aunt's place and after... he will enter the boarding-school in the capital..."
It was the very last page in her diary. All the other pages were torn out... TORN OUT... just like if she had no right to write all those words and sentences... just like if she has been so guilty that nothing could gift her now a forgiveness... but it wasn't the very last note in the book of her memories. It wasn't the very end of the story of her mystical love, because the real love is endless. Is immortal.
"The hospital of Erchard town, Lincolnshire, England
The medical conclusion from 20th of June, 1975:
Surname of patient: Laurel Middle name of patient: Anna First name of patient: Blaze
Birthdate: 20th of August, 1953
Address: 11639, England, Lincolnshire, Erchard town, 12th street, 7
Date and time of death: 20th of June, 1975 - 03:00 (apprx.)
Reason of death: lost of blood
Emergency room: - Death before arrival: +
* * *
"12th of June, 1975 (a note on the back cover of a diary):'m so sorry... I love you, but I'm so guilty... I've made such a freaky mistake... but I really tried to correct it... you know it... you see that I don't lie... I'm sitting now on a bench in the small town park, not too faraway from... from the place that's somewhen been my house... I'm writing the letter to you and still can feel ythe smell of smoke from the fire... I am sorry, Johnathan... I am so sorry... I finally understood what did you mean with that plea, twelve years ago... I'm guilty because I didn't realize the true sence of your words... I'm guilty because I didn't believe you completely, like you did always believe me... I'm guilty because I couldn't dare to follow the lighted path next to you... and so I have been late for twelve years... forgive me... I know you'll forgive me... now it's over. He's dead... they're all dead now... they're burning in their house... now it's only THEIR house, not mine... they are dead... they are no more... I've done what I always had to do... and now... I don't know what's about to happen tomorrow... and I don't care. Nobody must care. I only think about you... I only wish I could find you... once again... please, listen to me... don't leave me alone... I love you so much... and I know you love me too...we lost so much time... we made such a freaky mistakes... but I do believe that we still have a chance... I need you so much... I'm breathing only for you".
* * *whiteness of the walls made her blind. She was sitting on a floor and squeezing her diary to a heart... until those bustards don't take it away from her... she was listening to the tap. To his music. She was remembering his unnaturally beautiful face she saw in each of her phantasmagorical mad dreams... or, to say better, in each of her nighttime visions. She was playing with the images of his pictures, so hypnotizing, magical, genious and... fiercely screaming to her something... something like the words of love, the words of truth or the words of a freaky exposure, that couldn't be expressed in a loud voice without an inevitable danger for such a heretic braveness... she remembered EVERYTHING. Like if they spent whole the eternity together in the same flesh, like the siamese twins. She wanted to learn his answer. She needed it much more than the air... but she was hidden inside of a stone snowwhite shell. Where she couldn't as simply as before ask a question and receive the answer... or she was forced to think that she could not... but she believed she wasn't here all alone. She believed he would help her whatever would make her scared, she believed he would save her from any danger, set her free from any prison.... she bited her fingers and drew a round alphabeth by her crimson blood... and put in it's center a paper arrow... and so he said her:
P L E A S E C O M E T O M E T O N I G H T A T T H R E E H O U R S F T E R M I D N I G H T T H E D O O R W I L L B E O P E N E D T H E A T H W I L L B E L I G H T E D I L O V E Y O U
Help! Help me!... I cannot do it HERE on my own! Please! Don't leave me alone! Johnathan!...
I H A V E A G I F T F O R Y O U
I A M S T I L L W A I T I N G F O R Y O U N O B O D Y I S G U I L T Yfound his gift right in her palm. She was mechanincally squeezing it in a palm and couldn't firstly realize she was feeling a pain of the fresh bleeding wound. But finally she found out that Johnathan has really left something for her. It was a razorblade, already coloured by her blood.
Thank you... T H A N K Y O U!...
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