Батиева Тамара Левоновна. Soulmates never die

Soulmates never die

Introduction

Have you ever felt the presence of your soulmate in your life even though you've never met him? Have you ever felt that your soulmate died? Have you ever felt that this person you've never talked to is your soulmate? Have you ever felt that you have enough time and then get it all snatched away from you?

I have. And this is a story about soulmates.

Day 0

Soulmate dry your eyes,

`Cause soulmates never die

It was an ordinary Friday. Actually, it was more than that - my sister was coming to visit, she was going to stay at our place for 6 days. So it was supposed to be better. And it was. Up to a point. To the point when I saw my friend's post. `Rest In Peace'... Boom. Just like that. One minute he was there, the other - he's gone. I'll never get to see him again. I will never get the chance to talk to him like I always wanted.

I felt empty inside. Just nothing. Like all I am was ripped right out of me.

I lost someone I've never had, but it felt like I lost everything.

I always just assumed I had time, that any day I could just talk to him if I finally found the courage. But then... I longer had time.

No. No-no-no-no-no! This just can't be true! This isn't right! He can't be... he can't be dead. He's 18, he`s bright, he's talented, he's funny. He is alive! He can't be... He can't be. Please, no!

- What's wrong? - asked my sister, who's been talking to our elder sister while I was silent.

- Um... a... an acquaintance of mine... died, - I forced myself to speak. It just didn't feel right to talk about him like that.

I stayed with my sisters for a while, but I just couldn't keep up with their jovial mood, so I left.

Day 1

I'd freeze us both in time

I didn't have classes the next day, so I wasn't going to the university. And I had to come to terms with this... absurdity on my own. Though I couldn't even think of talking to any of my friends or groupmates about this. For them I never knew him, so why should I be so crushed, right? I suppose it was for the better that I stayed at home. I couldn't share my feelings of loss with anyone. It was too hard.

The day went by somehow. I don't really remember what I did. The thought of Alex was coming to my mind round and round again.

I didn't cry on the day I found out. But I cried the next day when I read it was a hit-and-run. I think it just didn't seem real enough when the only thing I've seen was a small post ending with R.I.P.

The tears just wouldn't stop. It hurt.

Delta-charlie-delta.

He wasn't just killed, he was murdered. And the person driving that car is a murderer. I don't care that it was an `accident'. Because that bastard wasn't driving safely Alex is dead. That is murder. And he just left him there... They found the... They found Alex early in the morning, but he was hit at 2 a.m. He was just... just lying there. All alone.

They say he died instantly. No one could have helped him. But no one even tried. That... that son of a bitch just drove off.

Why do such terrible things happen to such good people?

Day 2

Come on, fallen star

I refuse to let you die

The funeral was on Sunday, the next day. I thought of going, but then I wasn't his friend. And this one thought was thumping in my head: "He's not there. They aren't burying him. They are burying his body. It's not him anymore."

I went to my aunt's with my family - I almost forgot that my aunt was having a birthday party.

I don't remember what happened later, it's all in a haze.

Day 3

In the cold light of morning

I guess, I just instinctively chose a black polo neck that Monday.

There were flowers, a couple of candles and Alex's photo at the entrance. Like a little shrine. It made me feel so... hurt. I came in class, just waved to my groupmates and sat down listening to music. I couldn't bring myself to talk to them. It was too hard. And too meaningless. What could they say?

Our professor was late. She's almost never late. I was hoping she might not come at all. I didn't feel like... like anything really. 15 minutes... 20 minutes... 22 minutes... She came in tears, left her handbag and went out.

Girls wondered if she was crying because of Alex. They said a couple of things and just left it at that.

And I was wondering if I should go and see if she was alright. Several minutes passed, but she didn't return. I went to the lady's to find her, but wasn't there. She was probably in her office, then. I thought it would be too invasive if I looked for her there, so I came back to class and a couple of minutes later she came back too. Her eyes were red, full of sorrow.

- Do you all know about Alex?

It turned out she just found out about him. She knew him - he was in her class of phonetics the year before. He was really talented, really interesting, always had this radiant smile on his face.

- It's always a tragedy when a young person dies, but like this?.. - she wiped her eyes.

I had two more classes after that one, but I skipped them with my best friend. I felt I needed to do something. Something else. Something life-assuring, I guess. Something to keep my mind off things. Keep coming back to the thought "I wish he were alive".

Day 4

If I only could,

Make a deal with God,

Get him to swap our places

I wish he were alive. I'd anything to get him back. If only I could save him...

I guess, people usually say "I'd give my life for him" at such moments. I thought of that. But it doesn't make sense. I mean if I die for him, he's gonna live in the world without me, knowing I gave my life for him and all the people who care about me would be in pain. If I don't - I'm gonna live in this world without him, with his close people hurting. Either way it's painful. If only there was a way everyone stayed alive.

Although at this point I think I'd take anything really. Just to get him back.

Day 5

Hush, it's okay,

Dry your eyes

It's hard getting back on track after someone's death, even if it's someone you've seen for the first time.

It was weird. It had been only a couple of days since his death, but everyone seemed to had moved on. That `shrine' was taken away. Only the notice on the clipboard saying when was the funeral and some photos remained.

I was still wearing black.

Day 6

I know.

I know they remember him. I know many people were affected by his death. I know there were many people at his funeral, even people who didn't really know him came. I know he's still in their hearts. I know that. I just can't understand how they simply go on with their lives like it's okay, like nothing actually happened, like life's the same. It's not. It can't be. It never will be. How can anyone get over it? How can anyone make peace with something like that? I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it. I don't want a life like that. It's not me. It's not my life. It's not the world for me. There's gotta be something else. Something.

I don't believe in `God' but I hope there are some higher powers and I wish they could hear me when I'm begging them to get Alex back. Please...

Day 7

Don't go and leave me

And please don't drive me blind

It was like I was floating. Nothing seemed to matter. All these things I had to do, all the people I met, lectures, tutoring, friends, phone calls... Like it was nothing, not real. Sailing on autopilot. Everything was blurry as if I was welling up. But I couldn't cry anymore.

I missed my bus stop on my way to university. I just couldn't get up. Didn't have the strength to move. I felt like I was falling asleep with my eyes wide open. Could barely walk home from the bus stop.

Remembered how I saw him just a day before he died. It was the first time I'd seen him in two months.

Kept on thinking I might just meet him somewhere, that it was all a nightmare and he would just walk right by me any second now.

Day 8

My Sweet Prince

You Are The One

Had a dream about him. It was that day and I was running to him to save him. I ran and I ran but I couldn't reach him. I saw the car approaching... I was too late.

Couldn't get up. Ha no energy left in my body.

Wish I could see him...

I think if fall asleep I won't wake up.

Please give him back...

Skipped all the classes. Tried to store up a bit of energy just to get up from bed.

I'd do anything...

But I didn't really want to move. Didn't matter if I stayed there forever.

If I only could...

It's the first day of the rest of your life

He opened his eyes. He was standing on the sidewalk. A car just flashed by going considerably beyond the speed limit.

He stood breathless.

That was the car. THE car. But he was still there. Still alive.

He was sure he died. He couldn't really remember what happened after that but he knew for sure that that car had killed him and it happened about 8 days ago.

"... so that you could come back..." - a piece of a phrase someone said to him floated in his mind.

Did I somehow come back? Am I a ghost?

He touched a lamppost. Solid. As was his hand. He wasn't a ghost. He was just alive.

He took a long walk before going home. He didn't know what to expect and how he could possibly explain any of this.

But when he came home nothing happened. It was 3:30 a.m. and he woke his parents - the lock on the door was rather loud. And they behaved like nothing happened. Just told him not to make any more noise.

"I'm not going crazy, am I? I couldn't have made that up!"

"... come back..." - echoed in his mind.

"Did I get a second chance?"

The next day everything was ordinary. Only he noticed it was, in fact, 8 days since the day he died. It was the 10^th of December, not the 2^nd. He went to the university to see if anyone remembered what happened to him, but no one did. They only asked him where he had been that past week. It seemed for them he never died, he was just away for a week.

He tried to remember what happened after the car hit him, what else did the voice say, but it was just a blur.

"If I only could..." - he heard another very familiar voice say. And nothing more. Just this voice that he couldn't get out of his mind.

You'll remember me for the rest of your life

Day went after another. Life seemed the same. Only Alex knew something terrible happened to him that night. Life went on.

But little by little Alex started to remember some things from those 8 days of afterlife. It seems he was in some sort of limbo. Neither in hell nor in heaven. But it was bright and warm. They said that he had to wait because they had to deal with something first. And then they said that they're "giving him a second chance so that he could come back". There was something else they said, but no matter how could Alex tried he couldn't remember. It's only been eight days since he came back so he was still hoping he'd remember it all.

Alex was getting a habit of taking long walks. He was going through the motion. Thinking about it all. He thought of heaven, he thought of why he was given a second chance and then he thought of nothing just breathing in and out.

He was deep in thought when he met his friend Winona. She looked rather flustered.

- Is something wrong? - he asked.

- Uh... I just found out that my friend is in a coma, - she looked lost.

- Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- They don't know when she'll wake up or if she ever does. And we can't do anything. We can only wait. It's just so terrible and surreal. I talked to her just several days ago. I can't believe she might never wake up now. She's so young and now she might never be able to... - her voice faltered. - I just hope she wakes up soon.

- Yeah. Me too. I hope it works out alright.

They talked for a bit and then Winona said she was going to the hospital to see her friend and they parted.

Alex kept walking.

"How strange, - he thought. - Some people are given second chances. Others disappear from this world just like this. Some die, some fall into a coma and never wake up. So many good people die of incurable diseases and so many bad people just keep on living. Life is never in a balance. It's so screwed up. Why do I get a second chance anyway? It's not like I'm someone exceptional or anything. I'm not gonna find cure for cancer or bring peace to Earth. And does this happen a lot? People coming back? No way. Then there would be a lot of people talking about it on TV. Or maybe the ones that do get a second chance aren't the type to blabber about it. Oh... so many questions and no answers. I guess I just have to get over it and move on."

Alex sighed and crossed the street looking carefully to his left and right. That's something he'll never get over now. Nothing wrong with that though.

I'd fill your every breath with meaning

It's been a couple of months since he came back. He still has dreams of the limbo. Still thinks about it sometimes. But he's moving on. It seems he made peace with everything that went down that December. He'll never forget it but he's learning to live with it.

He's filling his life with new meaning. Studies more, participates even in more social activities than before, goes to concerts, meets up with his friends. Trying to find his purpose in life. Afraid of stopping. Because then he will really have to face the fact that he has no idea what to do with his life. Life given to him.

- Hey, are you even listening? - frowned at him Jane, his friend.

- Yeah-yeah. Sorry, got distracted a bit.

- Anyway, I was just saying that I don't think anyone nowadays is capable of such a sacrifice. We're not from the Titanic, people are too selfish to give up everything for anyone. We're too attached to things. And even if someone does give up something for their loved one, given it's not their life, it eventually leads to resentment and it all just crushes down. So it's like there isn't even a point in some big sacrifices.

- Do you really think so? - Alex frowned.

- Well, I'm not saying I would never do it. It just seems so... futile, - she shrugged her shoulders. - And it depends on what you have to give up.

- So if you could save your loved one by sacrificing... - Alex fell silent.

"You are given a second chance because there is a person whose love for you is great. This person needs you..."

- Hey! You're spacing out again! What's wrong? You didn't even finish the sentence.

- ... Sorry. I just remembered something.

That's what was missing. He was saved because someone loves him. Because someone couldn't let him go. Couldn't live without him. That's the missing puzzle piece that kept him running. From now on he'll be running towards this person. He has to find her. Has to talk to her. But how? She must be someone he knows, otherwise how can she love him that much? But if he knows her why hasn't he noticed it?

"She will be the only person to remember your death."

A dead-lock. How is it possible? If she remembers his death she would have been shocked to see him, surely she would have talked to him. He would have seen her.

"Maybe she went away? Maybe I didn't notice and she thought she'd sound crazy to ask if I had died? Maybe she's not from here? There must be a reason!"

I've been waiting far too long

For you to be

Alex has been looking for her. For months. Sometimes it seemed he was close. Sometimes he would ask something like "Did you ever feel like you've died?" to see how a girl would react. But no luck.

He was starting to despair. "Maybe I've never met her? Maybe she's never met me, but she just loves the idea of me? Like soulmates? How do I find her then? It may take years. I want to see her..."

A month later he stopped looking for her. Because it must be his destiny to meet her and it will happen. Maybe it just wasn't time yet, but they will meet someday. Because she's the reason he's alive. She is his reason to live.

It's lonely without her but he must be strong, because she's lonely without him too, wherever she is.

The thought that he will meet her one day gives him strength. He knows it will happen and it will be just how it should be. Everything will be right starting from that moment.

I will find you

It's been a year and two days since the day he died. Alex realised it when he saw the banner '26 days till New Year'. It was 28 back then.

Time is soothing. He didn't forget, never will, but it doesn't dominate his life anymore.

He was walking along the river and just like several days after his return he ran into Winona.

- Oh, hi. How are you? Haven't seen you in quite a while, - she said.

- Good, thanks. I'm just caught up in preparations for the festival. Takes up a lot of time, you've no idea, - he smiled.

- Well, good luck with that. Looking forward to it.

- Are you in hurry? Wanna hang out?

- Not really in a hurry, but I was going to the hospital to see my friend, - smile faded from her face.

- Is it the one in a coma?

- Yes. It's been almost a year, but she hasn't woken up yet.

"A year? Could it be?"

- It may sound weird but can I come with you?

- Uh... yes, I suppose it's fine. Don't think it can do any harm.

On the way to the hospital Alex couldn't stop thinking "Is it her? Is that why I couldn't find her?" But when he got there he stopped in front of the door hesitating. "This is it," - he said to himself and went in.

She was really pale. Her hair was carefully combed. There was notebook and a pencil on the bedside table. Flowers by the window.

He remembered her. She was one year older, he saw her at the university sometimes. She was smiling and laughing a lot. Seemed rather cheerful most of the time. Except some days.

- I just wanted to get her new flowers, - said Winona. - So if you wanna go somewhere, we can go now.

- I... want to stay if it's okay, - he couldn't tear his eyes from her sleeping face.

- You remember her, don't you?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go then, - Winona patted him on the shoulder and left.

At first he couldn't move. He knew now. It was her. He felt tears coming down his cheeks. He finally found her, but he can't reach her.

With a tremble Alex touched her hand. As if making sure she's here, she's real.

- I found you, - said Alex under his breath. - I finally found you.

Alex stroked her hair remembering all the colours she changed. It was chestnut now. Her real colour.

"So beautiful."

Alex stayed by her side till it was dark. He couldn't leave her. He just found her. He wasn't ready to let go even for a second. But the visiting hours were over.

Before going Alex leaned over to her and whispered in her ear:

- I'll never leave you.

From now on he'll be with her every moment of his life, even when he's not right beside her.

As he left the room filled with only the sound of her breathing the world seemed to come crushing down around him. So much noise and so many meaningless sounds. If only he could go back.

Your eyes forever glued to mine

"There's a price and she is the one to pay it."

Alex woke up in cold sweat. This one phrase had him shaken to the core.

"Is the price never waking up? Is that her price? Or is it something else? Never seeing me again even though I'm alive?"

"... I don't think anyone nowadays is capable of such a sacrifice..."

"She's different. And she won't just give in to it. She'll wake up, I know."

At the university Winona sought him out.

- She's awake! - she said with tears in her eyes. - She made it!

Alex's whole being filled with joy. "She's awake!"

Even though Alex was aching to see her he couldn't go there till evening. He knew there'd be a lot of people beside her - her family, friends. And he couldn't face her in someone else's presence. He wanted to see only her.

The day dragged on like a torture. At last Alex gave in and went to the hospital. He saw some people leave her room. It was just 10 minutes before the nurses would kick him out. Once again Alex stopped before the door which separated him from her. Slightly trembling he opened it.

There she was. Half-sitting on the bed. She turned her head to the sound of the door opening. "Right, her eyes are blue. So blue."

- Um... hello? Is someone there? - she asked. - Mom? Did you forget something?

Alex was dumbfounded. "She can't see me."

"There's a price..."

"Is this the price?"

- Hello? - she shifted nervously.

- ... Hi.

- I'm sorry, but who are you? I can't see you, - she smiled faintly.

- Uh... I'm Winona's friend... Alex, - she flinched at the name.

- I see... I mean I don't. I... Well, you understand.

- Yeah, right, - he couldn't help smiling.

- Um... you said you're Winona's friend, do I know you? It sounds weird but that's all I've got without actually seeing your face. But your voice sounds somewhat familiar.

- Well... we met a couple of times, - Alex stopped. He didn't know how to tell her it was him. "Hi! I'm alive, can you believe that?" just didn't seem right. - You know, concerts and stuff. You probably don't remember me.

- Oh. Well, I'll remember you now.

- I heard from Winona that you woke up, so I... decided to visit you once more.

- You visited me before?

- Uh, yeah.

- Thank you. They say I've been in a coma for almost a year. It's so strange. Just to think that I've spent a year sleeping in this room.

- Guess you've slept enough for the next year.

- Yeah, probably, - this time her smile was more open. - And I just remember falling asleep like it was yesterday. But everyone else has lived for a year without me. Everyone has moved on, - she went silent.

"Is she thinking about me?"

- I think they've just been preparing for you to wake up.

She chuckled.

- That's a nice way of putting it.

- Sorry, visiting hours are over. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, - a nurse came in.

- Uh, yes, right.

- Will you... will you come again? - she asked. - It seems I'll be here for at least a couple of days more.

- Of course. I'll come tomorrow.

- Thank you, - this time her smile was filled with warmth. - I'll... not see you tomorrow.

- Bye.

And find a brand new way of seeing

- Hi.

- Oh, hello. Didn't hear you come in, - she seemed a bit nervous.

- I'm not bothering you or anything? - it didn't escape his attention.

- No, no. I'm just no used to being blind. Temporarily blind, - she corrected herself. - They say it's hysterical blindness, so it will pass. Meanwhile I jump at every noise.

- Oh, really? I didn't ask yesterday, so I wasn't sure about what was wrong.

- The doctor says it's an emotional response to some event. A psychological response to something I don't want to see, apparently. So when I'm ready - I'll see again.

-Well, that's great. I thought it was the trauma. I mean the one that caused your coma. Actually, I just realised I don't know what that was.

- Oh, it's weird actually. There was no trauma. I just fell into a come. I fell asleep and didn't wake up till two days ago.

- Two? I thought you woke up yesterday?

- No. I woke up in the evening two days ago. To be honest it was quite scary. I mean here I am awake in a strange place, blind. Like in my worst nightmare. That's one thing I'm really afraid of - going blind. And losing people I love... So I was really freaked out.

- Well, I'd be. Was it late? Did you wake up the whole hospital screaming "Where am I?" - Alex smiled.

- No, fortunately, it wasn't. It was after visiting hours, though. There was no one here and my Mom had a big scene with the nurse, because she wouldn't let her in.

- Did she get through eventually?

- Oh, yes! You don't know my Mom, she'd get through anything. I'm so sorry she had to go through all this. I can't even start to imagine how hard it must have been for her and others. It's one thing when a person dies, but with a coma it's so... uncertain.

- Well, dying isn't better, really.

- Yeah... - she shifted her eyes even though she couldn't actually see him.

Silence fell for a moment.

- You know, somehow you remind me of a... an acquaintance of mine, - she said softly.

- Yeah? What's he like? - Alex smiled.

- Well, I bet you're smiling right now.

- Bull's eye.

- He smiled a lot.

- "Smiled"? Past tense? - "Could it be?"

- Ah... yes... he died some time ago.

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah... me too. I guess everyone's moved on already, it's been what? More than a year now. But for me it's been just several days, - her voice trembled a little.

- I... - Alex tried to get the words out, but something stopped him. He couldn't just tell her it's him, he's alive. I wasn't fair to her, how can she believe it without seeing him? It would sound like a sick joke. He has to convince her another way. Just make her understand it's him. Words aren't everything. - He must mean a lot to you.

- ... He does. I know it's weird, I hardly knew him, Still I can't just let it go, - a broken smile.

- Maybe he's the reason of your blindness, - Alex was thinking about "the price". He wanted her to see him.

- You mean I don't want to see the world without him? Well, maybe. I guess I also don't want to see the world in which people die in accidents because of some reckless bastards. Yes... I don't want to face the world without his smile, - her eyes filled with tears. - I'm sorry. You came to see me and I'm...

- It's alright. I understand, - Alex took her by the hand.

- Thank you.

Alex stayed with her till her parents came. He came to see her every day while she was in the hospital. They talked about everything. She was slowly opening up to him as if scared of sharing anything else after she told him her most dear to heart secret.

Alex came up to visit her at her place when she was discharged. She still couldn't see. And they didn't talk about the reason anymore.

She was determined to go back to her university to pass the oncoming exams. She couldn't see but she could still study. Alex helped her.

- How come you know all this? - she asked Alex when he volunteered to help her with her studies.

- Well, I'm a student there myself, so it's kind of an occupational hazard.

- Seriously? You never told me that! Then how come I don't know you from before? What year are you?

- Same as you now. I mean I'm one year younger, but now we're in the same year.

- That's weird. How could I not notice you?

- Well, you probably passed me by and didn't pay much attention. We didn't cross much anyway, 0 Alex bit his lip. He wanted to tell her, but he didn't know how.

- I guess... - she didn't sound convinced.

Soon enough she passed all the exams. Alex took his earlier to free his time to help her. He stayed with her every free moment of the day.

Couple of days after the last exam she started acting anxious. She was nervous. Couldn't concentrate on their conversations. Then one day she said:

- You know, there's something I was meaning to ask you.

- Yes?

- What's your surname?

Alex her in the eye.

- Why?

- It's a simple enough question, - she pulled her sleeves down nervously. - I... just want to know. I mean you know mine, right?

- I... - Alex didn't know what to say.

She raised her hand and carefully touched his face for the first time. A soft sigh of relief escaped her.

- Is it... is it really you? - she said under her breath closing her eyes.

He smiled feeling her hand slightly tremble.

- You can open your eyes.

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Soulmates never die