A collection of funny stories dealing with politics and everyday life in Russia. Adapted for foreign readers. Regularly updated. Currently the number of short stories available on this Web page is 100
Russian Folk Funny Stories. Collected and translated by Viatcheslav Yatsko
1. What is the difference between a good girl secretary and a very good girl secretary?
A good girl secretary says to her boss: "Good morning!"
A very good girl secretary whispers gently to her boss's ear: "It's already morning"
2. General Secretary L. Brezhnev (head of the USSR famous for his narrow-mindness) once called for Russian astronauts and said to them: "The Americans landed on the Moon. Russian Government decided to outdo America. You will fly to the Sun!"
The astronauts began answering as usual: "We are always prepared to fulfil..." and then: "Why, comrade Brezhnev, we will be burnt!"
Brezhnev answered, frowning: "Do you think there are fools in our Government? You will fly in the nighttime!"
3. A circus came to one city. The inhabitants saw the advertisement: "Mr. Vasily will crack hazelnuts with his penis". All the women attended the evening show. In admiration they saw a robust fellow take out his penis and crack with it 15 hazelnuts on by one. After the show on of the women named Natasha managed to meet Mr. Vasily behind the scenes to express her personal admiration.
30 years passed. The same circus came to that city again. And again Mr. Vasily's show was advertised. Natasha saw the advertisement, remembered her previous meeting with Vasily, and of course attended the show. She saw the same man, who had grown older, crack coconuts with his penis. After the show Natasha managed to meet Mr. Vasily behind the scenes. She asked him: "I remember you previous visit to our city 30 years ago when you were cracking hazelnuts. What's the matter? Why are you cracking coconuts now?"
Vasily answered: "Well, nothing is the matter, only my eyesight has become much poorer. I can't make out hazelnuts: they are so small!"
4. A group of mountaineers is climbing up a high mountain. They are moving in line, one by one. Suddenly a snake bites the last mountaineer at his penis. He gets frightened and cries: "What shall I do?" The man who is in front of him passes the question on to the next man, the next man passes the question on to the next one, and so on until the question reaches the doctor, who is at the head of the line. The doctor answers: "Suck the poison out!" The mountaineers begin passing the answer on to one another until the answer reaches the man who is in front of the man bit by the snake. So the former turns to the latter and says: "The doctor says nothing can help you. You will die!".
5. Russian tourists are traveling about Paris in a bus. The guide says to them:
"Look to the left. You can see Eiffel Tower, the pride of France. Look to the right. You can see women of easy virtue. Look to the left. You can see the Seine, the pride of Paris. Look to the right. You can see women of easy virtue. Look to the left. You can see Louver, the pride of French kings. Look to the right. You can see women of easy virtue."
At last one of the tourists interrupts the guide: "Are there any decent women in Paris?" The guide answers: "Yes, there are, but they cost too much".
6. A boy came to the country to visit his grandfather. He spent there several days and got bored. The grandfather noticed it and said: "Wouldn't you like to take a rifle and dogs and go hunting in the forest?" The boy followed this advice. On spending several hours in the forest he returned alone and said: "How thrilling! Do you have any more dogs?"
7. It is good: Your daughter managed to find a job just after graduating from the university. It is bad: She works as a prostitute. It is very bad: some of your colleagues are her customers. It is very, very bad: She earns more money than you do.
8. It is good: At last your husband agrees with you not to have any more children. It is bad: You can't find the pills. It is very bad: Your daughter has taken them.
9. Siberian fauna is very rich. Here you can find more than 16 000 of different species of insects and animals. For example, only of mosquitoes number 15,5 thousand species.
10. European Union countries forbade flights of Russian planes because they made much noise. "Well", - decided the administration of Aeroflot company, -"to reduce noise we must reduce sales of vodka on the flights".
11. Two friends are talking:
A: Boris, what would you say if you met a woman who would always forgive you everything, who would be kind hearted, gentle, attentive, and, to crown it all, would be a good cook?
B (on reflection): Well, I would say: "Hi, mom!"
12. In court:
The judge says to the accused man: - What can you say to explain your misdemeanor?
The accused man: - I returned home from work earlier than usual and found my wife lying completely naked in bed near the open window. And in the window I saw a man, dressed only in panties, running away. So I took the night table and threw it at that man.
The judge says to the victim: - What can you say about the incident?
The victim: - I was running a marathon distance when suddenly somebody threw at me a night table.
The judge says to the accused man's wife: - And what can you say?
The accused man's wife: - Well, it was very hot. I put my clothes off and lay down on bed near the open window.
Judge: - And what can you say, the witness?
The witness: - Why me? I was doing nothing, just quietly sitting within the box of night table.
13. A girl comes to a drug store in the morning. Judging by her looks she has spent a turbulent night. She says to the assistant: "Can you give me anything for hangover?" Then, after thinking hard, she adds: "And a pregnancy test, please."
14. General Secretary Brezhnev came on an official visit to the USA. In the White House he was invited to dinner and seeing the table laid with caviar, expensive vines, etc. asked President Carter: "Russian people would like to know where you got money to pay for such an expensive dinner". President Carter asked Brezhnev to come up to the window and said: "Can you see that bridge?" Brezhnev nodded in the affirmative. "Well", - proceeded Carter, - "We had in the budget $100 million allotted for the construction of the bridge. But we found a firm that built the bridge for $80 million. So we saved money and can afford such dinners".
Some time later President Carter visited Russia and in the Kremlin was invited to dinner. He saw the table laid with caviar, expensive vines, etc., and asked Brezhnev: "American people would like to know where you got money to pay for such an expensive dinner". Brezhnev asked Carter to come up to the window and said: "Can you see the bridge?" Carter began looking around staring intensely and finally said: "No, I can't!" "That is why we can afford such dinners", - explained Brezhnev.
15. Under the Soviet Union V.Lenin, the first leader of Soviet Russia, was glorified by official propaganda. According to it one of Lenin's traits was love for children, and he used to forward to children living in boarding houses all food that he received as presents. Hence the following funny story.
Lenin's secretary enters and reports: - Comrade Lenin, a delegation of Siberian peasants arrived.
Lenin: - Do they have any presents for me?
Secretary: - Yes, they have several pounds of fresh water fish.
Lenin: And how long did it take them to get to Moscow?
Secretary: Two weeks.
Lenin: Give all the presents to children in boarding houses!
16. Two rummies are going along the street reeling from side to side. One of them starts the conversation:
Max: - I bet you a dozen of vodka bottles that when my wife sees me her first word will be 'darling'
Alex: - Max, have you gone mad? You are dead drunk! And I know your wife too well!
Max: - Are you afraid of losing the bet?
Alex: - Well, let us make the bet, if you don't care a hug for a dozen vodka bottles.
In an hour they reach Max's house, he knocks and his wife opens the door.
Max: - Hi, darling! It's me!
Max's wife: - Darling??? Shut up and get out, you, asshole!
17. Once a three-headed dragon captured a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. 'I will set you free', he said to them, 'on condition that you suggest such a continuation of the story that will make all my heads laugh. And this is the beginning of the story:
'You come home and find your wife lying in bed with a lover.'
On reflection the Englishman said:
- Being a regular gentleman I will put off my clothes and join my wife and her lover.
One dragon's head gave a short laugh.
Then the Frenchman said:
- Being a regular gentleman I will invite my girlfriend and we will join my wife and her lover.
Two dragon's heads laughed.
So it was Russian's turn. Dressed in shabby clothes, his face dirty, he began:
- Being a regular gentleman...
All dragon's heads burst out laughing.
18. A girl is preparing for her wedding night. The mother advises her:
- Before going to bed give your husband 10 oysters.
In the morning the mother finds her daughter weeping bitter tears and asks:
- What's the matter?
- I gave my husband 10 oysters, as you advised, but only four of them worked!
19. Correspondence between two friends living in different cities:
A (writes): I saved money and bought a house.
B (answers): I am drinking vodka.
A: I saved money and bought a car.
B: I am drinking vodka.
A: I saved money and got married.
B kept silent for a long time and then replied:
- I sold all the bottles, bought a house, a car, and got married!
20. A man who is very drunk invites his friend (also very drunk) to his place. It is late night. They come into the house, enter the dining room and the man says to his friend:
- Can you see that set of furniture? It is very expensive and looks nice, doesn't it?
Then they enter the kitchen. The man says to his friend:
- Can you see that magnificent frig? It is very expensive and looks nice, doesn't it?
Then they enter the bedroom. The man says to his friend:
- Can you see that enormous bed? It is very expensive and looks nice, doesn't it? And can you see my wife lying there on the bed? She looks nice, doesn't she? And can you see me lying there next to my wife? I look nice, don't I?
21. Conversation between the husband and his wife who is gazing at the mirror.
Wife: Darling, what do you appreciate most of all? My pretty face or my slender figure?
Husband: Darling, most of all I appreciate your sense of humor!
22. Alex fell in love with Lena, came home and told his parents: "I am going to marry Lena Petrova, our neighbors' daughter!" At hearing it Alex's father went pale and said: "Alex, I must tell you something in private. Let's go to the dining room". They went to the dining room where the father said to his son: "Alex, I am awfully sorry, but you can't marry Lena Petrova. You see, I really love your mother, but when I was younger I also loved Marina, Lena's mother. So, Lena is your sister!"
Alex suffered for 6 months and then one day came home and announced: "Old folks, I am marrying Natasha Pavlova who lives in the house on the other side of the street. At hearing it Alex's father went pale asked his son to go to the dinning room and repeated the same story about Natasha's being his daughter. Frustrated Alex rushed to his mother's room and cried: "Mother, I will never be able to marry! Dad seems to be the father of all young girls living in our street!" Alex's mother smiled gently and said: "Take it easy, boy! Your dad may be the father of these girls, but he is sure not to be your father!"
23. The son comes up to his father and asks:
- Father, what's the difference between theory and practice?"
The father tells him:
- Go to your mother and ask her if she would agree to have sex with the first man she meets in the street on condition that the man pays her one million dollars.
The son goes to his mother, comes back and says:
- Mother said she would agree to do it.
- Now go to your elder sister and ask her the same question.
The son goes, comes back and says:
- She said she would agree to do it.
- That is the point, son! In theory we have one million dollars, and in practice we have two prostitutes.
24. The CIA conducts a competition among candidates for a killer position. During the last test the three remaining candidates were required to shoot their own wives.
One of them refused at once.
The other one entered the room where his wife was, spent there half an hour, came back and said:
- No, I can't kill her. I love her too much!
The third candidate entered the room; much noise, shots and cries were heard. Then he came out and cried:
"You, dirty pigs! You provided me with blank cartridges and I had to use the stool!
25. Boris, what about that cream, that your wife regularly buys at the drug store? Is this cream for face?
- No, it isn't. It is a contraceptive cream.
- Yes, after applying it in the evening she looks so ugly, that nobody can approach her!
26. In a Parisian restaurant a customer drinks glasses of vodka, one by one. The man sitting next to him remarks:
B - Are you aware of the fact that each third Frenchman suffers from liver diseases because of drinking spirits?
A - That doesn't refer to me, I am Russian!
27. Mr. Putin, Russian Rresident, was born in St. Petersburg where he graduated from the university and worked as a KGB officer and vice-mayor. After coming to power he invited many persons from St. Petersburg to work in federal government. Hence the following funny story.
A man applied for a job in Russian federal government. In due time he was invited to an interview and asked the following questions.
- Are you from St. Petersburg?
- No, I aren't
- Did you work in St. Petersburg?
- No, I didn't.
- Do you have relatives in St. Petersburg?
- No, I don't.
- Do you have friends in St. Petersburg?
- No, I don't.
- What is your address?
- 65 St. Petersburg Avenue, Moscow.
- Why haven't you said it at once? Of course, you are admitted!
28.An 80-year old man comes to the doctor and asks him to test his sperm. The doctor gives the man a small jar and says:
- Tomorrow bring me this jar with your sperm.
The next day the man comes to the doctor with the empty jar.
- What's the matter? , - asks the doctor.
- Well, you see, - explains the man, - first I tried to use my left hand, then I used my right hand, but everything was in vain. Then my wife used her mouth without the dental plate, then with the dental plate, but all her efforts were in vain. Then we invited Mrs. Smith, our neighbor...
- What?? - exclaims shocked doctor, - you invited your neighbor??
- Oh, yes we did. We did our best but failed to open this bloody jar!
29.From the newsreel:
- For four days the distillery in Moscow has been seized by unknown persons. The terrorists haven't yet been able to formulate any demands...
30. Why are there three policemen in groups that patrol the streets?
- The first one can read, but cannot write. The second one can write, but cannot read. The third one, who can neither read or write, must take good care of the two intellectuals.
31. The County Inspector decided to attend a foreign language lesson in an elementary school so as to check up the quality of teaching. At the beginning of the lesson he came into the classroom and sat next to Boris, a slack student who was repeating the year. The young woman teacher began the lesson feeling very nervous.
- I will write a sentence in English, and you will translate it into Russian, - she told the class in trembling voice.
She began writing a sentence on the blackboard. Her piece of chalk fell to the floor. She stooped down, picked it up, and finished the sentence.
- So, who can translate the sentence?
Boris was the first to signal his wish to answer.
Teacher: - What is your translation, Boris?
Boris:-My translation is: 'You can enjoy your life with such an ass.'
Teacher: - What!? Take your bag and get out!
Boris took his bag, struck the Inspector's head with it, and said to him:
- Don't prompt, if you don't know the correct answer!
32. Young Ike comes home from school and joyfully says to his father:
- I am no longer a Jew! At the lesson we filled in questionnaires and I wrote that I am a Russian.
Father: - You are a Russian... Well, well... Did you go to school by car? Now you will go there by bus, as all Russians do.
Ike (to his mother): - Mom, I am a Russian!
Mother: What did you eat for dinner? Chicken? Now you will eat potatoes, as all Russians do.
Ike (to his grandfather): - I am a Russian!
Grandfather: - How much money did you get for your daily expenditure? 50 dollars? Now you will get 50 cents.
It's dinner. All the family is at table. The grownups eat chickens, and Ike eats potatoes. The grownups smile at each other and ask Ike, who looks rather sad:
- How do you like to be a Russian?
Ike: - I have been a Russian for only half an hour, and I feel such hatred for all of you, Jews!
33. The husband comes home from office and says to his wife:
- If somebody calls me, say to him/her that I am not at home.
Several minutes later the telephone rings.
Wife (answering the telephone call): - My husband is at home!
Husband: - You silly cow, I have just told you to say that I am out!
Wife (putting the receiver): - The telephone call was to me, not to you!
34. Boris went to school and at the first lesson said to the teacher, Mrs. Ivanova:
- I am too smart to study in the first grade. I must study in the third grade!
The teacher brought Boris to the headmaster, Mr. Lavrov, and explained the situation.
Headmaster: - Well, well... Let's test him. Boris, how much is 3x3?
Boris: - 9
Headmaster: - Correct! And how much is 6x6?
Boris: - 36
Headmaster: - Correct! Mrs. Ivanova, I think Boris can be moved up into the 3 grade.
Mrs. Ivanova: - Let's first test his logical thinking. Boris, the cow has four of them, and I have two of them. What are they?
The headmaster went pale.
Boris (on reflection): -Legs!
Mrs. Ivanova: - Correct! You have them in your trousers, and I don't have them in mine. What are they?
The headmaster went red.
Boris (on reflection): - Pockets!
Mrs. Ivanova: - Correct! Mr. Lavrov, I think we can move Boris up into the 3 grade.
Headmaster: - I can't agree with you. We can safely move Boris up into the 5 grade because I myself made mistakes answering your questions!
35. General Secretary Brezhnev and President Reagan decided to exchange their women secretaries. So Rachel went to Russia to work in the Kremlin and Natasha went to the USA to work in the White House. Some time later Rachel wrote to Natasha:
- Russians are very hospitable. But my Boss is strange in a way: he ordered to have my skirt made several inches longer.
- I have liked to work here: all people are polite and friendly. There is only one thing that troubles me. My Boss ordered to have my skirt made several inches shorter. My balls will be visible, I am afraid.
36. A Hollywood film star is quarrelling with the film director.
Film star (crying hysterically): - I know, you hate me, hate me! You are looking forward to my death! You are looking forward to the moment you will be able to spit on my grave!
Film director: Nonsense! I hate standing in long lines!
37. Mrs. Ivanova visited Mrs. Kirillova, her friend. She noticed that on all flower beds under the bedroom's window grow big cacti with sharp thorns.
Mrs.Ivanova: - Ann, it is very clever of you. You planted the cacti to prevent impudent men from intruding into your bedroom, didn't you?
Mrs.Kirillova: - Nothing of the kind! I planted the cacti to prevent men from jumping out of my bedroom!
38. Some pieces of advice for a woman who wants to marry.
- During the first evening that you spend with the man you want to marry always agree with him. Drink what he offers; go where he invites you to go, etc. But at the very last moment say to him: 'Oh, no! I have changed my mind!' Your partner will regard you as a reasonable, thoughtful woman.
- Some men pretend that they don't want to marry saying that they haven't enjoyed themselves yet, and that marriage for them is like a yoke. Never pay attention to it. You know much better what that stupid monster really needs.
- It would be good if you often wept. When the man comes to visit you, you should meet him with tear drops on your face - you haven't seen him for ages! When he comes you should weep because you are so happy to see him. When he goes home you should sob violently because he leaves you. Your prospective husband must see your sufferings and be aware of his fault that can be redeemed only by marriage.
- Never confess that you have a mother. Your mother can congratulate you after the wedding day.
- You mustn't earn more money than your fiancé. To earn more money than he is a cowardly thing. Only prostitutes can do so.
39. Mary (to John): Darling, when we get married I will allow you to kiss me at the spots where nobody has ever kissed me!
John (a little bit frightened): What spots do you mean?
Mary: The Bahamas!
Many funny stories that are popular nowadays are about New Russians - people who became rich not because they are hardworking or capable, but because they used illegal, criminal methods.
40. A fashionable resort place. A new Russian standing on the balcony of his palace shouts to another new Russian, his neighbor.
Boris: Hey, Alex! Your mother-in-law fell into the pool where my crocodiles live!
Alex: And what of it? The crocodiles belong to you, so it is up to you to save them!
41. A new Russian decided to buy a new car. He went to the shop, chose a black Mercedes car, paid for it, and was going to get into the car when he was stopped by the shop assistant.
Shop assistant (shyly): Excuse me, Sir, may I ask you a question?
New Russian: Come on, boy.
Shop assistant: Sir, a week ago you bought at our shop just the same black Mercedes car. What's the matter? Is anything wrong with the car? Did you get into an accident?
New Russian: That car is OK, but the ash tray is full.
42. Mary: Yesterday when I was giving John a blow job he said that I was doing worse than Jane. I didn't say anything, just gritted my teeth.
43. Wife: Darling, today during the dinner break I dropped in your office and took $300 from your jacket's pocket.
Husband: Don't worry, I was dismissed from the office two weeks ago.
44. Jane married for the fifth time. Her new husband was baffled having found out that she was a virgin.
Husband: Jane, how did it happen that you were 4 times married remaining a virgin?
Jane: My first husband was a pianist; he could work only with his fingers. My second husband was a communist; he made promises without keeping them. My third husband was a programmer; he could make sex only via the Internet.
Husband: And what about the fourth husband?
Jane: He was a government official, and everything he did was through the asshole.
45. A young man and a pretty girl are traveling together in a compartment of a railway carriage. The man is sitting opposite the girl and seems to be completely absorbed in reading a newspaper. In half an hour the girl starts the conversation.
Girl (impatiently): Why don't you pay any attention to me? I am young and pretty, and there are only two of us in the compartment.
Man (putting the newspaper aside): I have always been of opinion that it's better to be patient for half an hour than waste four hours chasing about a girl.
46. A policeman standing at highway's flank sees a car approaching him at the speed of 20 miles p/h. He stops the car, looks inside it and sees 5 elderly pale women.
Policeman: Hi, ladies! Why are you driving so slowly?
Woman driver: I am trying to keep to 20 miles speed limit.
Policeman: Nonsense! There is no such speed limit on this highway.
Woman driver: But 20 minutes ago I saw the road sign with the inscription "20".
Policeman (indulgently): It was the number of the highway!
Woman driver (confused): Oh! Thank you, officer! Can I go on driving?
Policeman: Yes, of course, if you feel well. You look so pale and you friends seem to be very frightened.
Woman driver: Don't worry. They will soon come to their senses. The point is that 20 minutes ago we drove along the highway No 200!
47. A New Russian is driving in his car and sees a man eating grass at the roadside. He stops his car.
New Russian: Hey, man! Why are you eating grass?
Poor Man: I am so poor; I don't have money to buy food.
New Russian: Get in my car, I'll drive you to my house, you will find much food there!
Poor Man: But I am not alone, my wife and three children are grazing over there in the bushes.
New Russian: No problem! I'll take all of you to my villa!
Poor Man's children and wife (after getting in the car): How kind of you! We are so grateful! You are so generous to give us some food!
New Russian (broadly smiling): Of course! The grass around my villa is much taller and is sure to taste better than that one at the roadside!
48. It's night. In the bedroom the spouses are falling asleep.
The wife is thinking (with pleasure): "Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of our wedding. The husband is sure to have bought a nice present for me... "
The husband is thinking (with anguish): " Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of our wedding. If I had strangled her 15 years ago tomorrow I might be released from prison."
49. An American spy was sent to Russia on a secret mission. In a month he was disclosed, seized by KGB, and then sent back to the USA.
At the CIA headquarters he accounted for the exposure:
- I worked in the guise of a university student. When everybody went to classes so I did; when everybody went to a smoking room so I did; when everybody went to a pub to drink beer I went to classes scheduled for that time, and that was why I was exposed.
A second American spy was sent to Russia on secret mission in the guise of a university student. In two months he was disclosed, seized by KGB, and then sent back to the USA.
At the CIA headquarters he accounted for the exposure:
- When everybody went to classes so I did; when everybody went to a smoking room so I did; when everybody went to a pub to drink beer so I did; when everybody went to a brothel I went to a consultation scheduled for that time, and that was why I was exposed.
A third American spy was sent to Russia on the same secret mission. In three months he was disclosed, seized by KGB, and then sent back to the USA.
At the CIA headquarters he accounted for the exposure:
- When everybody went to classes so I did; when everybody went to a smoking room so I did; when everybody went to a pub to drink beer so I did; when everybody went to a brothel, so I did. At the end of the term everybody passed exams, and I was the only student to fail them. And that was why I was exposed.
50. At a scientific conference archeologists deliver reports.
An American archeologist: - We carried out archeological excavations on the territory of the USA and at a depth of 200 meters found copper cable. It proves that 200 years ago the Americans had telephone connections.
A British archeologist: - We carried out archeological excavations on the territory of England and at a depth of 500 meters found copper cable. It proves that 500 years ago the Englishmen had telephone connections.
A Russian archeologist: - We carried out archeological excavations on the territory of Russia and at a depth of 1000 meters didn't find anything. It proves that 1000 years ago Russians used cell telephones!
51.President Putin sent for R. Abramovich, the Governor of Chiukotka and the richest of Russian magnates.
Putin: Mr. Abramovich, you made an invaluable contribution to the development of our country. It was you who recovered our metallurgy and oil industry, who significantly raised living standards of people in Chiukotka. Appreciating your efforts I decided to pay you a bonus.
Putin made a pause to pull out his cheque-book. Abramovich went pale.
Putin: I am ready to put down any sum you wish. Fifty million dollars will be enough?
Abramovich kept silent, his hands trembling.
Putting (slightly frowning): One hundred million dollars?
Abramovich kept silent, shivering as if in a fever.
Putting (frowning and raising his voice): TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS?
Abramovich (with his face lined with sweat): Of course this will be enough, Mr.President.
Putin (smiling softly): Here is the check.
Putin (thoughtfully, coming up to Abramivich and patting him on the shoulder): And the rest of your money you must transfer to the bank account of Russian government.
52. Two friends are talking.
A: I have read lots of lterature about harmful effect of drinking spirits or smoking and decided to give it up!
B: What will you give up: dinking or smoking?
A: No. I'll give up reading!
53.I was happy! I met the best girl in the world and she agreed to marry me. Her parents encouraged us and liked me. The only thing that confused me was the behavior of my girl's younger sister. She used to ware skin-tight t-shirts and very short skirts. She used to bend over to pick up something from the floor and I could see her panties. I was sure she did it on purpose. A week before the wedding day she phoned and asked me to come to her place to have a look at the wedding invitations. When I came she said:
- I loved you at first sight and I can't overcome this feeling. I'll go upstairs to my bedroom and if you wish follow me and take me!
When going upstairs she put off her panties and flung them at me. For a while I stood as if in a trance then went to the entrance door and resolutely headed to my car standing in the yard. Here my girl's father met me and said with tears in his eyes:
- We are very glad that you have passed this test. You are a decent person. Welcome to our family!
He began shaking my hands. And I thought: "How clever it is of me to keep condoms in the car's glove box."
54. Husband: Darling, tomorrow we'll go to my best friend's wedding with that actress... Roberts.
Wife: What! Why didn't you say anything earlier? What dress shall I put on? What presents shall we buy?
Husband: "My Best Friend's Wedding" is a movie's name, you stupid!
Wife: What? And don't you remember, blockhead, how I told you that we would go to "Swan Lake" and you put on your rubber boots and took the rods?
55. Son (an 8-year-old boy): Daddy, what is politics?
Father: Well, let us take our family. I earn money, so I'm the Department of Finance. Your mother takes care of our household, so she is the Government. Your granddad keeps order in the house, so he is the Trade Union. Our housemaid sweeps the floor, washes up, and launders, so she is the Working Class. All this is done for your sake, so you are the People. And your one-year-old brother is the Future. Have you got it?
Son: No, I haven't!
Father: OK, you are too young. And now it's time to go to bed.
In the midnight the boy was woken up by his younger brother's cry. He went to his parents' bedroom but failed to wake up his mother who slept like a log. Then he headed to the kitchen where his father was having sex with the housemaid while the granddad was peeping at them through the keyhole. Finally he came back to his bedroom to fall asleep again. In the morning he met his dad and said:
Son: Dad, I understand now what politics is!
Son: Politics is when the Finance Department fucks the Working Class while the Government sleeps and the Trade Union just watches it without doing anything. And everybody doesn't give a fuck about People, and the Future is all in shit!
56. A (a young woman): Hi, how are you?
B (her girl friend): I have a sore throat and feel unwell.
A: I know a good remedy for the sore throat! When I have a sore throat I give my husband a blow job to be completely recovered on the next day.
B: That's a good idea! It is worth trying it.
On the next day.
A: Do you feel better?
B: Thanks, I followed your advice and feel OK. But your husband was bewildered when I told him it was your idea.
57. A traffic police station. The traffic policeman stops a luxurious Rolls-Royce cabriolet driven by a new Russian. The policeman gazes at the car equipped with numerous devices that are unfamiliar to him.
The Policeman: Is that large red button near the steering wheel for closing the hood when it starts raining?
The New Russian: No. Pressing this button will stop the rain!
58. Before the election campaign President Bush had to take a lie-detector test.
Lie-Detector Technician: Mr. President, you will be asked questions and you must answer either "yes" or "no". If you tell the truth the green light will flash, if you tell a lie the red light will flash. Do you understand?
President Bush: Yes!
The red light flashed.
59. President Bush makes a tour of the USA to explain the foreign policy of his administration to the Americans. At one of the high schools he has a meeting with the students who ask him questions.
Bob (a teenager): Mr. President, I have three questions to you. 1. How did you manage to win the last election though the votes count showed that you had lost it? 2. Don't you think that Hiroshima's bombing was the greatest terror attack in the human history? 3. Why did you decide to attack Iraq without having reliable evidence that it had weapons of mass destruction?
At that moment the bell rang. The meeting continued after the break.
John: Mr. President, I have 5 questions to you. 1. How did you manage to win the last election though the votes count showed that you had lost it? 2. Don't you think that Hiroshima's bombing was the greatest terror attack in the human history? 3. Why did you decide to attack Iraq without having reliable evidence that it had weapons of mass destruction? 4. Why did the bell ring 10 minutes earlier than it was scheduled? 5. Where is Bob?
60. Three men are talking.
A: Look here, the other day I with my wife went to the shop and I had to pay $100 for the panties that caught her eye.
B: And yesterday I paid $1000 for the panties decorated with lace and emeralds that caught my wife's eye.
C: And I had to pay $300 000 for the panties that had caught my wife's eye.
A and B: Wow! At what shop did she find them? Were they decorated with diamonds?
C: No they were simple panties without any decorations. My wife found them under the bed in our bedroom.
61. During the flight.
- Ladies and gentlemen! The captain is speaking. We welcome you to the board of our plane. We are flying at the altitude of 7 000 miles... Oh! Damn it! Oh, shit!..
The passengers froze with horror. Two elderly women fainted.
In a minute.
- Dear passengers! The captain is speaking. I must apologize! The stewardess has just spilt a cup of coffee on me. If only you could see the fore-part of my trousers!
A passenger: And if only you could see the back part of my trousers!
62. A man is dying of fever. The doctor is sitting near the bed.
The Man: Look here, Doc, I'll pay you $10 000 if you write in the death certificate that I died of AIDS.
The Doctor: What for?!
The Man: Firstly you'll justify yourself because AIDS is a fatal malady. Secondly, no man will dare to touch that whore, my wife. Thirdly, John, that goat that has been fucking her during the last 5 years, will commit suicide!
63. A man came to a sexologist for a consultation.
The Man: Doc, I can make sex to any woman except my wife. Moreover I cannot achieve any erection!
The Sexologist: Can you bring your wife with you tomorrow so that I can examine her?
On the next day the man came with his wife.
The Sexologist (to the Man's wife): Will you put off your clothes? Ok. Now lie down on that couch, move your legs apart, and pull them to the chin please. Thank you. Now stand up, kneel down, and stoop to the floor. Thank you. Please put on your clothes and go to the corridor. I have a few words to say to your husband.
The woman went away.
The doctor said to the man: You are OK, there is nothing to worry about. While examining your wife I didn't achieve any erection either!
64. The spouses are celebrating the 35th anniversary of their family life.
The Husband: I remember that 35 years ago we rented a small cheap room, slept on a cheap sofa, watched a black-and-white TV... Now we have an expensive house, luxurious furniture, a new Mercedes car.. But 35 years ago I slept with a 21-year-old girl and now I have to sleep with an elderly 56-year-old woman...
The Wife: You may find a 21-year-old girl to sleep with and I will arrange so that you have a cheap flat, cheap sofa, and a black-and-white TV set.
65. A child was born in a family. When it was 5-years-old it still couldn't speak. The frustrated parents consulted many doctors but they couldn't help. Finally they decided to go to a sorcerer. On examining the child the sorcerer said:
- Take it easy. It will soon begin speaking, but the first three persons, whom it will name, will die.
In a month the child began speaking and the first word it uttered was "grandpa." On the same day grandfather died. The second word uttered by the child was "grandma", and grandmother promptly died. On the next day after the funeral the child's mother asked her husband to play with the child while she goes shopping. Father began playing with the child who soon uttered the third word "daddy". Father began preparing for death; he put on a new suit and new shoes and got into bed in the bedroom. His wife returned home and said:
- What are you doing here sprawling on the bed in a new suit? Get up and go the Petrovs, our neighbors. Mr. Petrov has just died!
66. Alex (a 5-year-old boy): Boris, are your parents afraid of animated cartoons?
Boris (Alex's friend at the kindergarten): Nope!
Alex: And my folks are afraid very much. As soon as I sit to watch animated cartoons they go to the bedroom, cover themselves with a blanket and begin to tremble, tremble.
67. The US Vice-President Cheney was captured by a band of sadists (while he was hunting near his ranch), underwent sever tortures but managed to break away. President Bush visited him and asked about the tortures he had been subjected to.
Cheney: Well, George, lets go to my garage and I'll show you.
They went to the garage where the Vice-President gripped Bush's cock in a vice. Then he took a saw.
Bush (in horror): Hey, Dick, aren't you going to saw it?
Chaney: No, you'll do it yourself. And I am going to put the garage on fire!
68. Two businessmen are talking.
A: I often see you with a black eye of late. What's the matter?
B: This is all because of my wife.
A: How is that?
B: I come home late in the evening. The wife opens the door and strikes me on the eye. Then she goes to the bedroom.
A: And what about your bodyguards?
B: I asked one of them to help me but the result was even worse. The bodyguard knocked at the door, the wife let him in, then struck me on the eye and slammed the door in my face!
69. A conversation between two women.
O: Lena, I decided to sell my sofa.
L: Why? You bought it a week ago and it is nice and comfortable.
O: The problem is that it always reminds me of my conjugal infidelity.
L: Ha! If I sold all the furniture that reminds me of my infidelity the only thing left in the flat would be the chandelier!
70. A conversation between two friends.
A: Boris, I have bought a pair of powerful binoculars. See how cool it is! Made in Japan!
B: Let me have a closer look at it. Ha! You are talking shit! This junk was made in China!
A: Junk?? Yesterday I peeked at your flat's window through these binoculars and could perfectly see you having sex with your wife!
B: That's the point! If the binoculars were really cool you could see that it was your wife!
71. On September 12 2001 President Putin phones President Bush.
- Mr. President, let me express my sincere condolences! Russia is ready to provide any help to deal with the consequences of the terrible terror attacks. We can provide you with free copies of all the documents that had been destroyed during the attack on Pentagon!
72. A lecture at a university
The Professor: The man's sperm contains about 22 % of glucose...
Woman Student (exclaims in astonishment): And why doesn't it taste sweet?
All the students burst out laughing.
The Professor (steadily): The point is that the taste receptors are located on the tip of your tongue rather than on the tonsils!
73. The US Ex-President Clinton is dying. A priest comes to give him absolution.
The Priest (insinuatingly): Ease your conscience, my Son, confess to doing all the sins, especially deadly sins, such as adultery...
Clinton (in despair): I am a great sinner, Father, I lied and I deceived people, I ordered to bomb, lay waste, and plunder whole countries to murder thousands of innocent children and women, I forged documents, but I have never committed adultery!
The Priest (in surprise): But your affair with Monika!
Clinton: On my deathbed, Father, I will tell you all the truth!
The Priest (keenly interested): Sure, ease your conscience, ease your conscience..
Clinton: In April 1999 I felt unwell and took a 10-days leave to have a rest with my family at my ranch. On doctor's advice I had to drink 2 glasses of fresh milk each day. I liked to milk our cow myself because when I was a child my granddad, a regular cowboy, taught me to do it.
One day I went to the cow shed and began milking the cow. Suddenly the cow jerked its left leg to topple down the bucket. I took a piece of rope, tied the leg to a pole and proceeded to milk the cow. The cow jerked its right leg and toppled down the bucket again. I took another piece of rope, tied the leg to the opposite pole and went on milking the cow. The cow, that beast, gave a swing with its tail to topple down the bucket again! No pieces of rope left, I had to pull out the belt from the trousers to tie the tail to the cross-beam. And then my trousers with the panties fell down. And at that moment my wife came into the shed! And the cow's name was Monika!
74. At a Divorce Court.
The Judge: Why do you want to divorce your husband?
The Woman: He can't satisfy my sexual requirements.
Woman's Voice from the auditorium: He can satisfy anyone but her!
Man's Voice from the auditorium: No one can satisfy her!
75. At a hammer throwing contest.
1st Sportsman: Today I must do my best, my mother-in law will be watching the contest from the stand
2d Sportsman: No matter how you try you won't be able to throw the hammer that far!
76. A fat middle-aged man wanted to loose weight and decided to consult a doctor.
The doctor: You pay $1500 and in three days you will loose 15 pounds of weight on condition that you follow the instructions of my assistant. Do you agree?
The Man (vacillatingly): Well..I agree.
On the next day the doctor's assistant knocked at the Man's door. The man opened the door to see a beautiful blond dressed only in running shoes. The girl turned and the Man read the inscription on the naked back:
Instruction: Catch up with me and fuck me!
The Man naturally ran after the girl and in 20 minutes caught up with her and fucked her. On the next day the girl appeared again, the Man ran after her and it took him 30 minutes to catch up with her. On the third day it took him 50 minutes and the Man felt that he had lost more than 15 pounds and besides he liked the practices very much. On the fourth day he went to the doctor again.
The Man: Thank you doctor! I lost 15 pounds of weight and now I'd like to lose 50 pounds more! Please help me!
The Doctor: Are you sure you want to lose so much weight?
The Man: Of course! I can pay much more than $1500!
The Doctor: Well, well.. You must pay $5000 for the 2 week course.
The Man: No problem!
On the next day someone knocked at the Man's door. The Man opened the door to see a robust fellow with the inscription on his breast:
If I catch up with you I'll fuck you!
77. The mother with the daughter went to a hospital to visit her pregnant cousin. On the way home the daughter asked the mother:
Daughter: Mommy, Aunt Ann is expecting a child, doesn't she?
Mother: Yes, she does.
Daughter: And where is the child?
Mother: Well...it is... in her belly.
Daughter (on reflection): You told me many times that if I sucked dirty fingers worms would appear in my belly. And what shall a girl suck so that a child can appear in her belly?!
78.Mother (to Daughter): Are you really in the family way?
Daughter: Yes. The doctor examined me and said I was pregnant.
Mother: And who is the father of the child?
Daughter (baffled): The doctor didn't say anything about that!
79. Husband (to Wife): Darling, Masha, our daughter, has celebrated her 14th birthday. It's time for you to tell her about love, sex, and relations between the men and the women.
On the next day.
Wife (to Husband): Darling, I followed your advice and had a long and serious talk about sex and love with Masha.
Husband: Good. And what is the result?
Wife: I'm waiting impatiently for trying all the things she told me about!
80. Once upon a time there lived a king and he had a beautiful daughter. Many noble people wanted to marry her but she refused all of them. Finally the king declared that he would give his daughter in marriage to the person who wins the swimming competition. As soon as the competition began two entrants left behind all the other ones. One of these entrants was a young noble prince and the other one was an elderly ugly duke. The princess naturally supported the young man. To encourage him she put off her clothes and stood completely naked on the lakeside right in front of the entrants. But the duke outdistanced the prince. The infuriated princess cried to the prince:
Princess: How is that? I supported you, I even stripped myself naked!
Prince: And it was at that moment that I began hitching on the aquatic plants growing on the floor of the lake to lose the competition!
81. The Russian President, the German Prime-Minister, and the US President are flying in a helicopter.
- I know how to make a man happy, said the US President and threw one dollar out of the window.
- I know how to make 10 people happy, said the German Prime-Minister and threw 10 euros out of the window.
- I know how to make the whole world happy, said the Russian President and threw the US President out of the window.
82. Yushenko, The President of Ukraine, and Kaczyński, the President of Poland came to Tbilisi to their friend Saakashvili, the President of Georgia, so as to support him after his troops were defeated by Russians. Saakashvili told them about his visit to the front line in the Georgian city of Gori.
Saakashvili: As soon as I came to Gori Russian artillery began to fire; I tried to escape but Russian attack planes appeared in the sky and began to fire; I ran away but heard the sound of approaching Russian tanks...Sorry Gentlemen, I crapped into my pants!
Yushenko (after long silence): Well, friend, take it easy! Every man can be scared shitless in such a situation.
Kaczyński: If I had been in your place I would have done the same thing!
Saakashvili: You don't understand, Gentlemen. I have just crapped into my pants!
83. Our President Has Won!!! - announces the Television of Georgia.
Thousands of happy Georgians flood the streets of Tbilisi and other Georgian cities and villages. They cry enthusiastically:
- Long Live President Saakashvili! Long Live Saakashvili the Great!
The Television of Georgia comments: - After his crushing victory in the last contest President Saakashvili says he will insist on including the tie-eating competition in the program of the next Olympic Games!
84. After the Georgian army was defeated in Ossetia and its soldiers ran away in panic leaving behind tanks and American mashine guns the USA decided to strengthen it sending several tons of toilet paper. The Georgians got offended: the USA again was too late with its assistance!
85. A woman is sitting in a chair at the dentist's. The dentist is carefully drilling her tooth when suddenly the woman's cell phone starts ringing. The dentist tries to ignore the signals but on the tenth one loses his patience, puts the drill aside, and takes the telephone.
Man's Voice: Hullo!
Dentist: Who is speaking?
Man's Voice: The husband!
Dentist: Look here, man. Wait till I finish, then she will spit all the stuff out to call you back!
86. The International Women's Monthly journal conducted a quiz among its readers with the topic 'What do we know about women?' The winner of the contest turned out Vova, a 10 year old boy. One of the readers sent a letter expressing his indignation. He wrote: 'I'm 65 and I have had lots of women. I know all about them and I'm sure my answers were correct'. The editor responsible for the quiz gave the man the following reply:
- The first question was "What is the spot where the women have the curliest hair?"
Vova gave the correct answer: Central Africa. And what was your answer? And you also illustrated your answer with a drawing!
- The second question was: "What is the most important organ for women?"
Vova's answer was correct : The International Women's Organization. And what was your answer? And you also illustrated your answer with a drawing!
- The third question was: "What do women expect each month?" Vova gave the correct answer: A new issue of The International Women's Monthly.
And what was your answer? Fortunately, you hadn't illustrated it with a drawing!
87. A man (M) comes to his friend (F)
M: Look here, I wanted to get a loan at your bank but my application was rejected without any explanations. Can you find out why?
F: No problem, I will clarify the matter, call on me tomorrow.
On the next day.
M: What is the result?
F: I looked through your papers. I think it was a little bit indiscreet for you to write that your main income is three purses a day!
88. In court.
The Judge: Defendant, you killed the mail carrier with a monkey wrench...
A voice from the auditorium: What a scum!
The Judge: Defendant, you killed the newsvendor with a spade...
The same voice from the auditorium: What a bastard!
The Judge: Defendant, you killed the milkman with an ax...
The same voice from the auditorium: What a fucker! Blast you!
The Judge: Gentlemen, I understand your indignation at such horrible crimes, but I ask you to keep silent in court!
The same voice from the auditorium: You haven't understood anything! I lived next door to this rascal for 10 years and when I asked him for an ax, or a spade, or monkey wrench he would answer: 'I haven't got any'!
89.At a football match
Football Fan: Hey, boy, where did you get money to buy such an expensive ticket?
Boy: Father bought it
Football Fan: And where is your father?
Boy: He is at home, looking for the ticket!
90. A man, his wife, and the wife's mother are sitting at table. The mother stands up and leaves the room. In a few seconds an enormous watch falls from the wall on the chair where she was sitting.
The Man (with bitter disappointment): This watch has always been late!
91. Father was playing hide and seek with his son. No matter how he tried he failed to find the son. Finally he cried:"I give up!" and the son appeared in the room.
Father: How did you manage to find the spot to hide about which I have no notion?
Son: A man showed it to me.
Father: What man??
Son: That one who visits Mom when you are not at home.
92. An interview with a presidential candidate.
Reporter: Why did you decide to run for President?
Candidate: It is common knowledge that the state apparatus has become corrupt, people who are in power take billion dollar bribes, luxuriate, and loaf around without feeling guilty.
Repoter: How are you going to struggle against it?
Candidate: Why should I struggle against it? I plan to participate in it!
93.- Mr. Vasin, you ought to be ashamed! You have married a young girl leaving your wife with whom you spent 40 years!
- What do you know about it! With the old wife I had to sit up all night giving her medicines, fetching water, closing and opening windows. And how nice it is with the young wife! She leaves home in the evening and comes back in the morning. And I can safely sleep all night!
94. Woman: Doctor, I have a problem. I can never refuse to have sex. I get acquainted with a man and on the same day would find myself between his sheets. And after that I feel as if I were such a board and ninny.
Doctor: No problem at all! I will hypnotize you, and you will fall into a trance state. When you come out of trance you will be able to refuse sex.
Woman: What hogwash! I want you to treat me so that I wouldn't feel as if I were a board and ninny.
95. Child: Mom, when I grow up I will have two peepees just like Daddy?
Mother: What? Why two peepees?
Child: A smaller one to pee, and a big one to brush my nanny's teeth.
96. A traffic policeman stopped a car. The driver rolled down his window.
Policeman: Can I have a look at your driving license? Well, well... (after glancing over the documents). Don't you know that the speed limit on this road is 40 miles?
Driver: But I drove at that speed!
Driver's Wife (sitting next to him): But, darling, the gauge showed 75 miles.
Driver cast a malicious look at her.
Policeman: And your seat belt is unfastened.
Driver: I unfastened it just after I stopped.
Driver's Wife: But, darling, you always drive with the seat belt unfastened.
Driver (drunk with a rage): Shut up, your blockhead!
Policeman (to Driver's Wife): Is he always so rude to you?
Driver's Wife: Oh no! He is behaving badly only when he's dead drunk!
97. A conversation between the husband and the wife.
Wife: If I died would you marry again?
Husband: Of course not!
Wife: Why? Don't you like being married?
Husband: I love being married!
Wife (menacingly): May be you don't value our marriage?
Husband: Well, I do value our marriage. And I would marry again if you are so emphatic about it!
Wife (with bitter disappointment): Ah! You would marry again, wouldn't you?
Husband (with irritation): Sure
Wife: And would you sleep with the new wife in the bed where we sleep?
Husband: And where else would I sleep?
Wife: And would you place her photos all over the flat instead of mine ones?
Husband: Sure I would.
Wife: And would you allow her to drive my car?
Husband: No, she doesn't have a driving license.
The wife dumbfounded stared heavily at the husband.
Husband (in dismay): Shit!
98. After graduating from a military academy three lieutenants arrived to their regiment and introduced themselves to the regiment commander. The colonel having glanced at their spanking new uniforms and young faces sighed and said.
- Your appointments will depend on how you answer the following questions: Do you like to drink vodka?
What is your attitude to women?
Do you like to be under arms?
I give you two hours to think over your answers.
In two hour time the first of the lieutenants returned and reported:
- I don't drink spirits, I have always been faithful to my wife, and I like to be in arms!
- Good, - responded the colonel. - I appoint you company commander.
The second lieutenant appeared and reported:
- I like vodka, I have always been unfaithful to my wife, and I hate being in arms!
- That's an honest answer! I appoint you regiment's warehouse manager.
The third lieutenant turned up and reported:
- The call girls are in the car, a box of vodka is in the trunk. I'm awaiting your orders, comrade colonel!
The colonel looked at him in surprise, then went to the desk, took up the receiver, dialed a number and said:
- Hullo, dear, today I will come home much later than usual. I must show regiments headquarters to my new second-in-command who has just arrived.
99. The public opinion poll conducted by UNESCO ended in failure. No one was able to answer the poll's question: "What is your personal opinion about food shortages in the other countries?"
The Europeans couldn't answer the question because they didn't grasp the meaning of the phrase "food shortages".
The Americans didn't understand what the phrase "the other countries" meant.
The Africans failed to understand the meaning of the word "food".
The inhabitants of Asian countries turned out unable to decipher the meaning of "personal opinion" phrase.
100. A: What will you be doing when the Apocalypse comes?
B: We live in Russia and the Apocalypse will never come to this country. It will be emitted by Russia.
Новые книги авторов СИ, вышедшие из печати:
О.Батлер "Бегемоты здесь не водятся" М.Николаев "Профессионалы" С.Лыжина "Принцесса Иляна"