COPYRIGHT 1999 Society for the Advancement of Education

Surveys show that the incidence of sexual affairs is far less than suggested by Hollywood and adult magazines.

"HALF of all married men and women in America have extramarital sex," shouts the talk show host. As you stare at the television set, you ask, "Could it be true? Are half of the married people I know fooling around?" If you yourself have not engaged in extramarital sex, you might wonder whether you are missing out on a more-or-less normative experience. Of course, it is necessary to ask where these "facts and figures" came from and what social scientists actually know about extramarital sex in America.

Researcher Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues, in their monumental sex surveys conducted primarily during the 1940s, were among the first to ask Americans about such experiences. Based on their cumulative findings, Kinsey projected that approximately one-half of married men and one-third of married women eventually would have extramarital sex. Kinsey's sample, although relatively large, was far from being representative of the U.S. population. Nevertheless, that is where the mythical figure of "one-half" was born.

During the 1970s and early 1980s, several less-than-scientific surveys were conducted on Americans' sexual experiences, including extramarital sex. Many of these large-scale studies were done via surveys in magazines that asked readers to tear out, complete, and mail the questionnaire to the publisher. In some of these magazine surveys, the majority of respondents indicated that they indeed had engaged in extramarital sex. However, there are tremendous sampling problems in such studies, with the most likely result being an overrepresentation of non-normative behavior. For one, such "racy" surveys often were included in magazines aimed at a more sexually oriented audience (e.g., Playboy, Cosmopolitan). Even among this readership, people who had not had the experiences asked about probably were least likely to complete the survey, thinking "What's the point of wasting my time?"

More recently, social scientists have had access to data on American sexual behavior gathered using state-of-the-art sampling procedures. For instance, the National Opinion Research Center, housed at the University of Chicago, conducts a biannual large-scale survey of Americans. This project, the General Social Survey, consists of face-to-face interviews with adults sampled so as to be representative of the noninstitutionalized population of the U.S. The focus is a host of demographic and public opinion items, not sexuality. In the last several General Social Surveys, though, a self-administered questionnaire having to do with basic sexual experiences was included at the end of the interview. Respondents were instructed to complete the brief questionnaire while the interviewer waited, seal it in the envelope provided, and return it to the interviewer, who would forward the sealed envelope to the researchers.

In the survey conducted in 1994, respondents were asked, "Have you ever had extramarital sex?" Although the question doesn't provide any specific information about the nature of, or circumstances surrounding, the act, it at least provides a baseline for the proportion of Americans who admit to having engaged in self-defined extramarital sex. Considering only those respondents who ever had been married, I analyzed the data associated with this answer, as well as possible relationships between marital cheating and basic demographic variables such as gender, age, size of community, and history of divorce.

Similar to past research with nonrepresentative samples, about twice as many men (23%) as women (12%) reported having engaged in extramarital sex, but the overall percentages were much lower than found in past unrepresentative samples. Because numerous surveys have indicated that the large majority of Americans find cheating to be "unacceptable" or "always wrong," these figures probably are lower-bound estimates in that some respondents with such experiences likely were reluctant to admit it in a survey completed in their own home.

Given the strong attitudinal disapproval of extramarital sex in this country, it was not surprising that the incidence was about twice as great among respondents who had been divorced, compared to respondents still involved in their first marriage. Of course, there is a "chicken-and-egg" dilemma with trying to make sense of this finding. Perhaps extramarital sex is more common among the divorced because, in many cases, such behavior led to (or at least facilitated) divorce. On the other hand, perhaps it is more likely among divorced Americans because these individuals apparently were dissatisfied with their marriages and, hence, more likely to be led into temptation.

Interestingly, extramarital sex was unrelated to the size of the community in which the respondent lived--people in rural settings and urban centers were just as likely to have had such experiences. Although extramarital sex was related to age, the effect differed for men and women. In just considering respondents under age 40, near-equal percentages of men (14%) and women (13%) reported having engaged in it. For men, however, the likelihood generally increased with age to the point where 34% of men ages 60-69 reported having engaged in extramarital sex. For women, the incidence peaked in the 40-49-year-old group (19%) and steadily decreased there-after. Given that these data represent a single snapshot in time, it is difficult to explain this apparent gender difference in the relationships between age and extramarital sex, although a couple of primary explanations emerge.

It may be that there is a co-hort effect in the sense that the traditional "double standard" was more prominent among the oldest generations. That is, perhaps the largest gender discrepancy in the incidence of that sort of behavior exists among the oldest respondents because those are the individuals who were raised and spent their early adult years in a time when extramarital sex was socially more acceptable (or at least not as unacceptable) for men as it was for women. In addition to such a cohort effect, it may be that it increases with age for men because the ratio of women to men in the population rises dramatically with age. For example, U.S. census data indicate that there are seven widows for every widower. Perhaps men have increased opportunities for extramarital sex as they age, due to shifting demographics.

Similarly, other research has indicated that a man's attractiveness to women is positively related to his status and accomplishments, whereas a woman's attractiveness to men is tied more to her physical features. The bodily and facial attributes considered most attractive for women are all heavily dependent on relative youth. So, at least up to a point, men's opportunities for extramarital sex may increase with age (as does his status), whereas women's opportunities may peak earlier in life as physical beauty and number of male peers decline in later life.

Perceptions and motives

Sociologists Shirley Glass and Thomas Wright approached people sitting in the Baltimore-Washington International Airport or having lunch in a park adjacent to office buildings in Baltimore with a request to complete an anonymous research questionnaire on marriage. Those who agreed to participate were asked to send it back in the pre-addressed, pre-stamped envelope the researchers provided. The 300 currently married individuals who returned the survey responded to questions having to do with justifications for cheating, their own such experiences, and current satisfaction with their marriages. Fitting the stereotype, men were more likely than women to endorse justifications that had to do with sexual enjoyment, curiosity, excitement, and novelty, whereas women were more likely to cite receiving affection and falling in love. As an illustration, of those who had engaged in extramarital sex, 77% of the women vs. 43% of the men agreed that falling in love justified an extramarital relationship. Conversely, 75% of the men vs. 53% of the women who had such experiences endorsed sexual excitement as a legitimate reason for an extramarital affair.

It appears that men may be more likely to view sexual reasons as being more legitimate, whereas women may be more likely to consider emotional reasons. Does this generalization hold for Glass and Wright's findings with regard to actual experience? Apparently, the answer is yes. Compared to men, women who had engaged in extramarital sex indicated a greater degree of emotional involvement with their partners. For instance, of those with such experience, 44% of the men compared to 11% of the women reported no or only slight emotional involvement with their sexual partners. Similarly, although cheating was related to relative marital dissatisfaction for both males and females, women who had engaged in it indicated less satisfaction with their marriages compared to men with such experiences. More than half the men who had engaged in extramarital sex rated their marriage as "happy" or "very happy," compared to about one-third of women who had. Apparently, for men, such actions are related less to marital dissatisfaction and emotional involvement with the sexual partner, and men may be more likely than women to separate sex from love when it comes to extramarital involvement.

In a subsequent study, I interviewed young, married graduate students enrolled at Bowling Green (Ohio) State University regarding their perceptions and attributions related to extramarital sex. For example, would it ever be acceptable? What would be the most likely reason one's spouse would engage in such behavior? What circumstances surrounding it would make the event most or least upsetting? All 45 respondents were younger than 40 years of age, involved in their first marriage (wed two-10 years), and were interviewed in private, with their verbal responses written on an anonymous form.

To start, they were asked to estimate the likelihood that they ever would engage in extramarital sex, as well as the likelihood that their spouse ever would do so. In line with actual incidence of such acts, women gave higher estimates of likelihood of spousal transgressions than men did. However, men and women did not differ in the estimated likelihood of extramarital sex for themselves. Despite the relative homogeneity of the sample (all were white, relatively young, and involved in obtaining an advanced degree), there was a fair amount of variation in response to questions about the circumstances surrounding such an act. Although the majority of respondents thought that the most likely reason for their spouse cheating would involve dissatisfaction with the marriage, others indicated that the most likely scenario where their spouses would have extramarital sex involved being seduced, being sexually curious or intensely attracted to the partner, or getting drunk.

With regard to the most upsetting conditions for spousal extramarital transgressions, common responses involved spousal dissatisfaction with marriage, falling in love with the sexual partner, or looking for an alternative relationship. While several respondents believed that a spontaneous, unemotional "one-night stand" would be the most upsetting condition in which spousal cheating might occur, when asked about the least upsetting scenario, the most common response was also a spontaneous, unemotional one-night stand. Overall, the least upsetting reasons for spousal cheating typically involved factors that did not reflect poorly on the respondent or on the marriage (e.g., spouse was drunk, had personal insecurities, was gay). Regardless of the circumstances, the majority of respondents believed that spousal transgressions would result in harm to the marriage, and most would want their spouse to disclose such involvement.

Last, I had respondents complete a previously published measure of sex-love-marriage association. The scale measured the extent to which the individual associated sex, love, and marriage as belonging together (i.e., the belief that sex is best and most appropriate within the context of a loving marriage). Those respondents who held the greatest sex-love-marriage associations were least likely to envision extramarital sex ever occurring or a scenario in which it would be acceptable, and were most likely to attribute spousal cheating to marital dissatisfaction and to want the spouse to disclose such an act if it should occur.

Roots of extramarital sex

The limited research on extramarital sex in America reveals that a substantial minority of men and women have experienced it, with men being more likely than women to engage in such behavior and to do so for purely sexual reasons. The most common reason for spousal cheating appears to be marital dissatisfaction. This might explain why the activity generally is regarded as devastating by the individual who learns of his or her mate straying. The question arises: What does it say about me, and our marriage, if my spouse has extramarital sex? According to the gender differences found in previous research, cheating may "mean" less if it is a male rather than a female who engages in the act.

Even less research has been conducted on sexual involvement with another partner by those in monogamous premarital relationships (extradyadic contact). Researcher Katie Hurd and I conducted an anonymous survey of approximately 400 women and 300 men enrolled in introductory psychology courses at Ball State University, Muncie, Ind. We assumed that, because such extradyadic involvement is frowned upon socially, respondents might be reluctant to admit such experience even if it had occurred. Much to our surprise, relatively high rates of extradyadic involvement were reported by students from this fairly conservative region of the country. For example, of those respondents who had ever been involved in a serious, exclusive dating relationship, 45% of the men and 40% of the women had gone on a date with someone else during that same period.

About two-thirds had kissed someone romantically while involved in a relationship with someone else. We also asked about extradyadic oral sex and sexual intercourse and found that, among non-virgins, more men (49%) than women (31%) reported having sexual intercourse with one person while involved in an exclusive dating relationship with someone else. Overall, 37% of the women and 28% of the men denied experiencing any form of extradyadic sexual contact (kissing, oral sex, or sexual intercourse). Moreover, respondents completed the sex-love-marriage association scale described earlier, and those who scored highest on the scale were least likely to have engaged in extradyadic sex.

What does all of this mean? Despite social disapproval, it appears that some form of extradyadic involvement may be normal for American youth. Does such premarital experience lead to a greater likelihood of extramarital sex? At this point, we do not know, but the link certainly seems plausible. This is but one of many pertinent questions regarding extramarital sex for which we do not have answers. For instance, what characteristics of a potential sexual partner make cheating more likely? Does extramarital sex affect marriages if never discovered by the unwitting spouse?

What is clear is that extradyadic and extramarital sex do occur, despite social taboos. More empirical attention is needed to understand this compelling phenomenon better, both prior and subsequent to marriage.

Michael W. Wiederman is associate professor of psychological science, Ball State University Muncie, Ind.

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