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Roberto's Letters

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  • Аннотация:
    The letters published here are under my full responsibility and ownership. The author has given me his consent to publish them anywhere. I decided to publish Roberto’s letters without any explanation of the story that is behind them. I wanted to show only his side of the story, because I wish people to discover the uniqueness of his soul and his bizarre and contradictory personality. It will take me some time to publish the whole content of these letters as due to his poor knowledge of the English language I have to work on editing everything. And even then I do not guarantee perfect English. I apologize that the letters are in English, because the correspondence was led in this language, the only language that we both share as I am Russian and he is Italian. You are welcome to check my section every two weeks as I will publish a new part within this period.
  June 27th (I left San Francisco for Las Vegas without him)
  1. Why?
  ... I'm writing you this email like none, because like "none" you, Tatiana, had behaved with me.
  I don't want to write you anything romantic...or about love - any kind of love to exist needs respect, sincerity.
  You went away. I understood in these two days of hell (for me) that you want to disappear, and I respect your choice...I respect. I think that it is not just for the case that your phone doesn't work any more and you didn't find the time to let me know about it. I can forget you, Tatiana, if you want...my life is incredibly beautiful and there isstill a lot I have to do, to see and learn from people... But you shouldn't do this to me, I understand everything but not the treason of our deep relation and connection. During these two days, Tatiana, I suffered as never in my life... And at this point I'm afraid to think that you could also feel a king of subtle pleasure.
  I don't want to tell you more...But why?...Why?...I have been always so delicate with you as you were powder of a distant star in my hands. Is this your way to keep in touch and may be one day to jump into my arms in front of the Central Park?!!! You might have taken me... I might have been yours forever... you know this, Tatiana. You knew how to relate to my soul. I was dreaming already of a life with you: I was not dreaming houses, countries...but our house was made with complicity - silent silk of your kisses and the energy of my passion. I was dreaming of an impalpable world - a world of concepts and feelings. Eternal.
  I'm not writing you something after years of careless hate and with no understanding, but I'm writing you after a century of love (that was for me...when I was next to you: a time with no space, that was there for us...since the beginning of Time).
  May be you'll never answer...Tatiana, but even if you would...call me please...not because of me, not because of that book that you wrote, good for a cold fire, but because I'm a human being and I need to be respected. I can not turn a page without knowing how you are.
  So, don't write me something pathetic, but call me. Today, Tatiana or tomorrow. Don't hesitate anymore...Otherwise, I swear to you...I swear, I'll come to look for you, and you know I can do that.
  I'm getting crazy...Tatiana...not like that kind of a human who is next to you now...but crazy like a color with no frame, like a poem with no words, such as a cloud with no wind.
  
  If I don't hear news from you these days, I'll come.
  
  
  
  2. Your hair like a black river of my tears.
  I read and read again your book looking for a reason, and I can see only your white fingers playing music with harmonic words: seriously Tatiana, we are much more similar than you have ever thought and I could get crazy for something like this as you ... It's not the folly of your poor husband, victim of himself. In my case that's the insanity of the heart and the madness of the mind: I'm not talking about feelings for you, but... but I don't have the energy to explain too much...talking about the philosophic concept of respect... and my mind is enough tired to talk to you in another language.
  If I could paint for you my interior world in my own language you might have been surprised...everything sounds like a nightmare... I found your hair in my bed and I put one of them on my body... your hair that I loved so much now are like black rivers of my tears.
  Reading everything I hate myself...because I know that maybe you will not be able to hold my words and understand their meanings... I'm afraid that you'll think I'm another of your poetic impossible loves... I was thinking about my Karma looking for a reason... Maybe I have to pay for what I have been... and then once I'll purify my soul I could start to live again: but how many lives I should wait, my Love, before I meet you: we met centuries ago, Prince and Princess, in the splendid kingdom of Atlantida...riding blue shining dolphins...or thousand years ago in "Agora" during the Greek Empire, talking with Socrates or Aristotle...I met you once again in Paris during "la bel epoque"..."the beautiful...graceful age"...I saw you in the street walking like a ballerina afraid to disturb the beauty of the world...and I brought you with me in my mind and I made a masterpiece out of you, a beautiful painting. In the end you went out such a realistic painting that I asked you to talk to me...and your voice was flowers, lights, rivers, universes...and through you I discovered the time before the time, I have seen the first tear of the first human being, the first tear that, dropping on the ground, gave life to the first rose: I took that rose for you, my love, and with one of its petals I made a warm blanket for my heart. Then I wrapped up my heart in that blanket and gave it to you... and in your hands it became a butterfly... Today I thought that our love is like that butterfly: "She" was born in the night and "She" died the morning after.
  Now...now...Crying I listen to a deep, maternal, sacral music, Ave Maria of Schubert, coming from a vague room of my tired memories... It's sweet, my little love, and I feel so exhausted that I would sleep and in my dreams wake up in the rivers of your hands... and running through them I would reach your eyes and once there fly, fly in the sky of your visions...
  And I would close my eyes to see a tiny girl with flowers instead fingers that is drawing the shapes of feelings in the air.
  
  ...my love...I don't have enough energy to wait longer for you...Now my soul is like a sad clown - the circus of my fancy is gone with your white horses, and I'm sitting on the shape of our fantasy world. My love, help me, help me... I don't have anymore creativity, it's gone... I don't have anymore smiles... How can I fulfill my future if I lose my imagination?... Please my love, you are the only one who can give me back my absurd, imaginative world.
  
  
  
  3. July 2 San Francisco
  I saw you, my love, everywhere around me... I saw your eyes in a flight of a leaf... I saw your mouth in the delicacy of a sunset. Last night I drank water - I saw your body in its reflections... and I thought to drink your soul...
  I miss you... I miss you as an eternity was the time of your absence. The name of your city - Absence.
  
  My little Tatiana...everything in my life is falling off my shoulders...I don't know anymore what my future is. I don't have anymore ground under my feet: what is happening!??
  Why? Why? It is not possible that your absence might produce all this!!! I feel lost... And I don't, I don't want to feel that way... And my body that was once a butterfly of energy is now as heavy as a mountain of obscurity. I think sometimes that if I keep going on like this I will get crazy...crazy...
  I need your lips in this desert of my conscience.
  .....I love you with the oceanic depth.....
  
  
  
  4. A gateway for the path of my consciousness
  ...I don"t think that it"s impossible for you to answer...you have already forgotten me. Or are you going to tell me that the sun was so strong that you got a sun shock? Or no... Wait... wait...maybe the guy in the pool... is called Arturo too? And he is so "interesting" (I hate this word!!)... Is it so difficult for you move your tiny fingers through the computer pad? Or someone else has already done what I wanted to do long time ago - eat your fingers!
  Trying to write something more light in this email... Today I am positive, but inside I am completely furious - the incapability to keep you under control drives me crazy. Like an idiot I bought already several dresses for you! Can you believe how I keep going doing things close to insanity?!
  But nothing is funny, Tatiana!
  Has all your romantic passion flown away in the eyes of someone else?
  Last night I dreamt to be Botticelli, and, drawing the shapes of your age on the frame of my existence, I saw you as a young lady blushing; a mature woman holding our kid; an elderly holding my hands. Your smile enlightened by the sunset of the senses and your depth made sacred by the century of wisdom...
  I love you, I respect you, and I care for you as if you were the gateway for the path of my Conscience...
  ...the Mystery of the Time, of the Spirit, of the Death is the sense of our closeness: this is a Space, estimated through the weight of the feelings. A body called Transparence with no Substance, joyfully dwelling outside the crystal of our glances.
  Cicero used to say, the highest human mind expression is recognizable in the fusion of Poetry and Philosophy, Eros and Psyche; "the Creation in the shape of Beauty" is the Love in the Plato"s Symposium, Eros is the bond between the Sphere of Time and the Sphere of Eternity...
  
  
  
  5. It could be nice to live with you...
  ...let me know as I'm going to look for a place to stay next days...
  
  Tatiana, I'm coming Friday...so let me know how we can meet each other...don't make me buy the ticket and then I'm not going to see you at all... In this case I'll call your husband!!!! I swear to you!
  
  
  
  6. The soot of Hell is as the ink to write on the white pages of Heaven
  "...I would like to write you all the hate I have inside for what you told me about yesterday.
  I think any kind of feelings should go through the holy fire of respect... and don't tell me you were sleeping... and he took advantage of you, how Tatiana can you even kiss, somebody else after you did tell me "I love you"...
  There is no justification or excuse for these behaviors! You knew since the beginning we were going sooner or later to be back together; how, Tatiana, can I trust a woman who I badly want for my life when she acts like that?
  I'm not judging...often the judgment comes from the mouth of sin or incorrectness that through the accusations of other people"s behavior tries to clean somebody"s own conscience: you know Tatiana, how many women I met in my path during these days of despair? It was as if the life was giving me the fast way to build a bridge from my past (you) and to move on. I don't believe in the oversight power if I have a ravine in my soul... I walk straight and deep: the soot of Hell is like the ink to write on white pages of Heaven...and this is not Aristotle, Sophocles or Parmenides or Kant who is writing, but I, only I who loves you incredibly... there are no moments lost - for me L of love is the main part of God's throne.
  On that throne only the white blanket is allowed. And with these your gestures it is going to get some little, annoying red stains... Red as my sadness, red as my rage, because even when you don't say anything I can perceive your mental actions.
  Listen Tania, I never told you but when I was a teenager, 11 old, I was almost one year in the hospital: I was sailing in the no-name-land called "Oblivious". I was in a coma for 3 months; you"ve seen my burns... I don't remember anything, but believe me or not, Tatiana, when I woke up I could hear the thoughts of the people around me, even if their mouths were closed, but nothing incredible: a tiger with a lost leg will smell food much faster than the others - that's survival instinct. The same is for me, you will see, Tatiana, what my mind can create, because anyway you will be mine... As long as I want.
  A desert, a horizon with no sun-line, darkness - timeless... the Oblivious will be in me forever - the 3rd eye to see the invisible around myself. "
  This is what I wrote for you a couple of days ago, I should have added something about yesterday, because it was a humiliation for you, and a sad, inconsistent, bleak conversation for me: much more terrifying is that somehow you justify his immature behavior, just saying - "...but he loves me"...how...how can you perceive those things as a demonstration of love?!!!
  Since the beginning when I saw you, your face was the projection of a deep existential dissatisfaction that someone who loved you should have been able to erase with smiles, caresses, embraces, words - words with the weight of respect, comprehension, confrontation.
  I am afraid of you... I don't know which side of you fell in love with someone that even at the age of 26 acts as a teenager. Or even if you didn't, I'm scared anyway from a level of your perception that lets you feel a kind of love coming from your husband.
  Once again I am telling you if you want to leave him, do that for yourself, giving yourself a chance to live, to love and to be born again, hopefully in my arms.
  For sure I will be close to you. During these days I wrote with the blood of my desire all these words you have found in my letters. And with that same blood I swear to you about my Love and Closeness: I'll be a human being to talk to, a lover to share with. I don't like the idea to have a woman that reflects my ego as a mirror.
  Parity is the entrance into the Temple of any kind of human interaction:
  I will kiss you as you will kiss me; I will fight with you just as you will be allowed to do exactly the same with me. Next to me, Tatiana, you could be first an individual and then a woman.
  No more words, I'm really tired... I wait to see you, to kiss you and...you know what else...
  Let me know something for this weekend... if you want I'll come to pick you up.
  
  
  
  
  7. Hi, Tatiana, I got your message... and I'm still waiting for your call. I hope that sooner or later, maybe today you are going to call, otherwise it's going to be a problem for me to reach you and your city. If I am going to come I should rent a car today or at least tomorrow morning. Please, Tatiana, let me know, let me know something. By the way, if I'll come I'm going to use my other number 415 260 5849... but I don't know yet if it works. I'll find out tomorrow morning when I go to recharge it.
  But anyway, we could also keep in touch with each other by emails, you can tell me the exact place where we could meet each other... maybe Saturday or Sunday... a certain time, downtown LV or next to your place.
  I am looking forward to your news... I kiss you my love.
  
  
  
  
  8. Ciao Tatiana,
  I have sent you a message a few minutes ago. I don't know if you got it because I have had problems with the connection. Anyway, the sense of the previous one was that I need to keep in touch with you. I can give you my other number: 415 260 5849, but I know if that one is still working tomorrow morning.
  
  Tomorrow I'll ask Tiziano about the money and then I will go to deposit them in the bank.
  
  When you will call me, please remind me to ask you something very, very, very important.
  
  
  By the way I cannot wait until I see you again, I would to love have you here next to me, Tatiana...
  
  
  I W-I-L-L B-R-E-A-K Y-O-U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  
  
  
  9. Important
  Tatianosca, please call me as soon as you get this message, I have news for you about a place to stay. I was thinking that may be you could stay for a little while in my place... I mean, The Blond Gay might never find out that you are staying over, and than, in the end of the month you could search for another solution, or if you think that now I"m talking like this because I forgot your octopus orientation, you could think always to stay for a while here and than go to Adriana...
  
  Think positive, my love... even the day before our death if we think positively the eternal travel will be only a long dream...and that dream - another life, like this one: we'll never know if we are living or dieing on this path of our existence...
  
  But this is another "long" conversation...
  
  I'll talk to you tomorrow....
  
  10. Job News
  
  Hi Tatianina, tomorrow morning I'm going to buy your ticket, but, but I have a wonderful news for you: tonight I talked to Erick and he said there is a position, for sure, available in his hotel - beautiful hotel in Sausalito, and if you work full time you are going to earn 2,800/3,500 per month! He said that it is going to be a work as hostess, I mean, you'll welcome people... it's not bad. And for you now it is the best, but don't jump until you are there. But if that is going to happen you have to give me something in exchange, and you know what I'm talking about! And not just one night...
  Call me tomorrow, so I'll let you know about the ticket and what time is your departure.
  
  I kiss you.
  
  
  
  
  11. Ciao, Tatianosca. What you need to do is just go to the airport, check in your baggage and that's it.
  It's very easy... Tell me Tatiana, would you like a dress with white and black stripes?
  I saw this wonderful dress, not very short but very sexy. You know, I want you to start going around without panties. Just an idea to smell the same air which "tickles" your intimate part makes me crazily excited...
  PORCA, I hope that during your dreams you didn't have sex with someone else.
  ..Can you believe Tatiana?! I'm getting horny! Right now, just thinking about your skin... My goodness, you are making a woman out of me!
  Sometimes during these weeks I had orgasms everywhere. What an incredible level of pleasure - a sigh of a soul... a smile of senses...
  I want you... "In the nature", sooner or later... I want your body as a cloud on my eyes, I want your lips as a fruit in the desert...I want your sex as the door into darkness of the African Night - deep, dark, mysterious and eternal: I want you to be a slave of my instinct desires.
   I will wait for you tomorrow in the airport.
  Ti amo,
  Roberto
  
  July 13th (I am in San Francisco with him)
  12. I will lock you in an ancient castle
  ...Tatianina, I know you are surfing the web on my computer, and maybe writing to your (ex) husband. Can you believe? You are using my personal computer to talk to him?!!!!!
  Anyway, I want to remind you that I'm coming back home around 5.30, so please could you be there on time, please, could you respect me and not to: 1) touch your lips when there is a guy in front of you, 2) get horny - never do it if it's not me the object of your desire, 3) have erotic fantasies about Arturo, Marco. Etc. etc...4) leave me. In this case let me just tell you what could happen: First, I'll catch you anywhere. Once you are in my arms I will have a brutal sex with you, I will eat your fingers, and then I"ll lock you in an ancient castle with a lot of (horny, of course) phantoms.
  Second, the morning after I'll come and I'll kill you... And then once again have sex with you.
  ... But don't worry... I love you, Tania, even if I should kill you.
  
  
  
  13. ...I know, you are checking your emails, Russian women, Russian movies, and in the same time eating my breakfast, like a little mouse (adorable ;-))).
  
  Don't begin your day thinking you don't have a father sending you money, or that your future is as black as a cave. You already have a father, a lover, a friend, a sister, and a mother. Sometime a grandmother (I know!!!), a cat (when I rubmy self against your breast), a dog(when I gasp in your back!), a book - a beautiful book, to engrave your destiny and your hopes in.
  
  Ti amo, ti odio e ti desidero con ardore e passionalita'.
  
  
  14. Idealist
  
  Tatianoschi, call me when you get this message. I mean, "Could you call me, please"?!
  I didn't sleep all night long. It was a mix of excitement, frustration, thoughts etc. etc. I know you are surfing the net, I hope you found some interesting job opportunities: take a look also in art galleries, museums etc... I left you 10 dollars, it's not so much, but take it, and if you need more just let me know, there is nothing bad in sharing. When there are respect and tolerance - today it's your turn, tomorrow, maybe, it will be mine. So, please, don't hesitate to ask me, and talk to me always.
  ...Even if right now you are writing to your husband... In Italy we say - never keep one foot in two shoes. Sad, idiotic, but true - makes sense. Keep doing that and you will destroy him, and make me go away, far from you. Show, especially to yourself, that you can build your own life with your hands without having a father or an individual to use (I'm not talking about me). Think, how could you react if one day I should go away with another woman asking you for money in order to enjoy and survive with my new partner? May be you would give me that... But you know that I would be just using your love as a gateway to your wishes. Karma, Tatiana, Karma, and dignity - always.
  I love you and I talk to you like to a human being, not a doll.
  You know there is a beautiful book by Ibsen, a Nordic writer, the Doll House. I"ll buy it for you next days.
  Any step towards the independence, freedom and respect asks time, suffering and sometimes tears, a lot of tears, It was like that since Sophocles, Jean D"Arc, Catherine the Great, Emily Bronte, Evita Peron, Isabel Alliende, Madre Teresa di Calcutta etc. etc In short - the women that made the world.
  I"m not telling you to become one of them, but just to think about your situation, and stand on your feet with honor, pride and hope. Perhaps, these are just my words in the electric wind of the net, but I was and will be forever an idealist that believes in the deep and hidden honorable side in every human being.
  Words, words, words. I will never tell you anything, I swear. I want to see what the power of love can do... Or the will to become yourself.
  The life, your God and I have given you another chance in your life. Accept the capability to fulfill your wishes.
  The Idealist.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  15. ..I'm sorry, Tatianina...
  Could you also call your doctor and see when she can accept you? Pleaseeeee!
  And then, do I ask you too much to take a look into your brain and figure out how I can make my business cards for the interior creator?!
  
  Thank you, I'll see you later. Please, could you come to Safeway on 16th street and Potrero? I have to show you something important (don't be dirty!).
  
  Let me know in time.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  16. News...
  Tiziano told me (by phone... he is a real "coglione"), that this is the last week he wants me to work for his company.
  I'm in the sea of s...
  Do you have any kind of solution, or you are going to suggest me - "lets go to Las Vegas, my husband can take care of both of us!"?
  Hopefully, I should start as an interior decorator, but even if it's going to be a good deal, I'm pretty sure I won't see money for more than a month.
  By the way, I talked to Harish and he told me to pass by later in the afternoon.
  Could you come to Safeway?...pleaseeeeeeeee.
  
  
  
  
  17. ...Anyway, Tatiana, about that you should be honest with me. You know enough about me in order to understand how important it is for me sharing with you life, experiences, thoughts...
  The point is not my curiosity, otherwise there would not be any sense in you telling me what you did two days ago, or what you have in your soul, and mind as well... People share for other reasons- it's not only curiosity, but also trust, complicity and intimacy. Loneliness is the deepest and the most invisible illness. You can find a solution in the emotional bond and thought exchange with your partner.
  
  Please, don't answer me there is not even one reason to let me know about it.
  The doubts are the first step toward the trust-loss.
  We'll talk later.
  
  
  November 15th, I left Italy for Las Vegas
  
  
  18. My pearls
  ...my Love,
  I was waiting for you, but the police told me that you might not come back...
  
  There it was - cold and sad and white... A huge white surgery room... In that moment of eternity my feelings were as a sick soul waiting to vanish in the fog of loneliness.
  I felt naked... Suddenly, without the warmth of your presence... I could not move, not anymore. I was there as a clay giant scared of any possible movement that might show his inner fragility... I was there an indefinable time, looking for myself spread in that white room as a thousand little glass pearls.
  I went back home with those pearls in the pocket...
  When I was already on my way I hid my hands in your profiles and I found our little picture - no more pearls in my pocket, but tears in my eyes...
  
  I love and I miss you... Without the need to wait for the future I already miss you in my past.
  I will be forever, forever your Angel and it does not matter how or where, but I want you to be mine.
  I kiss the corners of your lips
  
  
  
  19. As usually nothing is new
  ...I know you are already in the USA. Here it is almost 3:30 am. All the time I was waiting for your call, but it seams to be a kind of vain.
  Tania should I stay other a week without any news, because your husband does not let you call me, or may be he became tall, charming and he came to pick you up with an airplane spreading thousands of poetic pages in the air? Or, because in the past it already happened, you thought we are not going to see each other anymore, so you prefer to disappear...
  I hope that these are just mad thoughts of a tired mind and impatient love.
  Even if, Tania, I do not believe at all that you did not have time to find a public phone to tell me two words (also because I could bet my right hand that you have found some time out to call somebody else), I and my parents will wait until it pleases you to let us know that everything is fine...
  Right now, I am ready to promise eternal love to you, to dedicate the time of your absence in building our dreams and hopes for a future world with you whenever it should happen...
  I remember when in September I called you the first second I landed in Rome. Because I thought you could be eager to hear from me. I was impatient to get out of the plane in order to call you!
   I love you and I hate you... If you do (at least a bit of the first feeling...) - respect me.
  ...I know from your point of view I'm paranoid and (as you say...) - "this guy is getting on my nerves". But it is what it is... Here there are people who loved you and still do...
   A kiss from me and my father (yes, he is still awake)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  20. Tania, I know you want me to believe you...but I would never think that it is credible that Tatiana, truly and deeply Russian, could FORGET a phone number, especially mine. Even because I know you called Harish who has my number.
  But it is already the past ... I'm happy you are fine - do not feel obliged to call - I wrote you that letter because we were extremely worried about you.
  If you want you can go and make a new telephone contract...
  Do not worry I do not have any kind of grudge against you - it is just my attitude of being protective and loving if I perceive somebody as much as a half of my soul. In order to think nothing has changed I'll focus on the image of you sitting in the armchair moving the blanket... or on your alien head in the shower...
  The last thing: if you can, please give me a phone number that I can reach you through... And be honest about your husband, let me know if he still forbids you to call me, or if you prefer to communicate with me only through an e-mail.
  Last night I called Shawm. I'll tell you later about his answer...
  Have a good day,
  P.S. did you get my other email? I'll send you also some pictures you did not have time to download.
  
  
   To be continued
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