I'm standing at the river side, watching the flow carrying my thoughts down to the sea. I'm a kid, sort of having a free minute to get into thinking of the things around. It's a sunny day, I'm blinking frequently, and my eyes are getting wet when I'm trying to catch the sun with my gaze.
The river flows and I know I can do nothing about that. I just got the moment to fix myself between somewhere, put myself into the right place. I love watching the world, I know I have a minute or two until they come into my life again having no excuses for their appearance.
- Andrew, what are you staring at? We are to play and have fun here, wanna join the red team?
- Please, come again, Mrs. Radisson...
I'm not about to enter any stupid game she's calling 'fun', I'm watching the world is changing with each second and, basicly, it's not fun, it's kinda serious discovery. I can see this spring water is getting free from the ice, moreover it's going to win the battle having the sun up there in the sky on it's side...
- Well, Andrew, watch the ball now, you are playing red!
I know kids shouldn't say bad words and I don't say nothing but to myself "Fuck off, Mrs. Radisson". Now I'm forced to switch myself off for the playing the game. We won, and Mrs. Radisson gave me the nod to my asking "Can I go to the bathroom?". Oh, I feel easier now peeing off all kinds of emotions I've caught while playing.
Well, I basicly like my school, the first time I saw the building it seemed to me too big and dark, it was the passage on the side decorated with the maple trees, almost naked in the fall. I remember myself standing alone on this 'valley' watching foliage wirlwind, there were nobody around to share the vision of the beauty I was looking at. You know, it was sad but beautiful.
Until my Dad came there for me to go home. It was not as sharp as it was with Mrs. Radisson, my Dad just pulled me off the bad dream I was about to fall into. I said nothing but:
- Am I going to die one day, Daddy?
I knew I put my Dad into the situation, but I pretended being a stupid little kid.
- It's nothing special about that, - My Dad answered looking above me into the sky, - Until then you have a lot of things to do.
I was about to start crying of that because I knew I got a lot of things to do but I didn't receive the answer.
- No one lives forever, - He added.
- How can you stand this, Dad? - I even raised my voice.
- The river flows and I can do nothing about that, - He smiled at me, - C'mon, kid, let's have a bike ride this weekend? You and me? Agreed?
Well, I turned myself into a smiling doll and agreed. Now I know some things you have to believe first, the real meaning will come along soon. I know now there just will be a flow to carry me to the sea one day. I'm not afraid anymore, because I like river I was growing up close to.
And I remember that weekend we were riding along the river, my Dad and me. I remember my Dad young, smiling and laughing. We were playing our world, our rules and no boundaries were set except my security. It was the safe game.
And one day when I was forced to run a 100 meters distance at the sport class in the school I ran but you know what I said to myself.
- Can't you see you were about to hit her glass of tea, Andrew? - This is Mrs. Radisson's making her eyes big.
Well, oh no, I was really to hit the girl while arguing with my neighbor to the right. I'm confused.
- Can you just imagine how harmful could it be to have hot tea on her knees?
I'm really sorry and I'm saying:
- I'm sorry, Kathy, I never wanted to do that.
- And how did you think, Andrew, with your head or what? - Mrs. Radisson continues asking.
- I beg your pardon, Kat ... - I'm trying to keep myself calm.
- So, what are we going to tell your parents again?
Oh no, I'm about to cry again, because I'm just a little kid, but you know what I said to myself.
Since that time I saw the sea and the ocean even, and I know now, even being a big boy, I still play games I don't like, and say sorry for the things I haven't done. The worst thing is that my Dad is no longer so young and smiley and there is not enough time to stop for thinking of myself, to see the beauty around.
The strongest part of all that is that when I'm disturbed I don't hide my words too deep anymore, I just say you know what.