Аннотация: На английском. Не переводился, т.к. написан на языке, который пришел в тот момент на ум, а значит на языке оригинала. Название говорит само за себя.
Debates in the Dark - 1
He was standing before the altar of his life and watched it like through water. He kneeled before it. He knew his aim. Hewas holding a dagger and he knew how deep it must sink into what was on the altar.
"What am I waiting for? The stage is set.
The crowd took their seats.
They are all waiting the culmination.
What am I waiting for?"...
It is said that the West was built on Legends. This is a story of a pursuit of one legend. Bloody. Painful. And yet, beautiful in its sorrow and transparent in its remorse. This is a story no one will understand or feel for. This is a story of one life among many whose shadow shall remain on the pages of the world lit by the Sun and drown in happiness for other people. This is a story of sacrifice and calm determination. It does not need your applauses or your approval. It just wants to be shared with those who will find similarities and interconnection between fates and destinies. Pay heed to me for one hour. As I paid heed to you all my life...
I got accustomed to sitting in the dark. Darkness and coldness are so calming, so comforting. In darkness you are not deceived or tempted. You stay sharp and deadly in your judging. Coldness cools down the heat of your reckless hopes and expectations. It shows you how real everything is, shows its authentic colors, in its genuine shape and file. During countless hours of thinking and analyzing I found out what was true in my life.
First and the most important. In any relationship, but especially between a man and a girl, counts only interest. If she is interested in you, she makes the first step or at least gives you signs to do it yourself. If there is no interest or need in you, consider yourself getting back to life without this person. Interest or need, need and interest, these cornerstones were so ugly in my opinion. I hated the fact that I was right. My first attitude was Denial. Then came Anger. Then Bargaining. And at last, Acceptance. Steps of a dying soul, they say, drained out of joy, hope and trust. This was never intended to be emotional terror because of the first or second misfortune in relationships. The truth is I had plenty of reasons and still have to bear responsibility for my words. This is true and is same with everybody and everywhere.
No exceptions. No delusions. No fairy story-telling. Just ugly truth.
Second and second-in-command. Should you be involved into any relationship, bear in mind that when a girl says `I love you' in the first place then or you are considered rich, or handsome, or being jackassed. `I love you' does not come from pure emotion. But it always has a basis in fact. Has prerequisites. When a man says `I love you' in the first place, he is or weak, or desperate, or deceived by a foolish idea that these words will bind the girl to him forever. Biiip. Very wrong.
Life is unpredictable. Feelings are short-lived. Passion is just a spark for invasion. Invasion never lasts forever. All ends when you or capture or are captured. So beware. Do not lose the war by winning a single battle of local non-strategic importance. Will you?
Third and bonus one. It is a common practice among both sexes to dislike who they truly are. That is why we wear masks and make-ups. That is why we imitate other people's behavior and gadgets. We watch how movie heroes or singers or any other pop culture artists act and we stop being ourselves because we lose confidence in ourselves. We fear that we are not attractive enough. And attraction always mattered. Even since pre-historic times, even in animal's behavior - female attracts male with colorful feathering, while male attracts female with crude power against other males to prove his superiority. This simple rule of Proving through attraction or crude power survived to nowadays. In fact it is in our genes. In truth it is in our blood. In practice it is in our actions. And I detested it. So I defeated it. Imitation of other people's behavior or belief that the more colorful you become the more attractive you look is pathetic and degenerative. Was it hard? Oh, yeah. Life hell on Earth...
In truth, I went through and through every said step and erred and erred again and again. These are the words of experience. Experience gained through pain, sweat and hatred. I was losing my faith and trust in other people so often that for the moment I could not tell the fake from true. Now I can only feel responsibility and can trust only myself. No more sacrifices for the sake of others, no more healing wounds alone, in the dark, with no support, no compassion, no concern. I am sick and tired of being a walking clichИ. It is not anger, not desperation, not remorse or hatred speaking in me. But clear vision of the road I took. I went through burning passion, sky fly, deadly fall, whisperings in the night, tears of pain and anger, forgiveness and returned back to another fall into the pit again. Some people would love to think that after all I must be damaged, I must be broken. Sorry, kiddos. I am not so easy. I have survived. And I am not seeking vendetta. There will be no revenge, no hitting back. Now I know how it is like to look into the face of death itself.
And it is so ugly and yet so beautiful. Snobbishly noble and unmistakably dirty. Slyly horrible and easily life-enhancing.
And I never turned back my eyes from it. Even now I feel its stare at my back. But it is not my time to turn back too. I am not done yet...
Because there is only one rule, one purpose: Trust Noone, Not Even Self.
It was time. He raised his arm clutching the dagger. Crowd went silent in its anticipation. It felt like there was no more time, no more air, but slow moments counting the seconds between the hand and the altar's surface where his life was still beating. No more delays. No more excuses. It was time. In a few seconds all will be over. When the dagger met the altar, lights went off. People's sighs sounded surprising in the dark. In a second darkness was lifted and people saw just a bare altar and no Executioner. The show never met its culmination. How cruelly they were deceived. How bold was the Act...
He escaped through backstage, holding his heart in his hand. "It is my life and I decide what to do with it. Not you. Not anybody else. My right. My property. My legacy". With the last word he closed the door. In a second it was pierced through by a dagger as a reminder for those who will dare to chase him. No one dared. Freedom won.
And you can win if you are bold enough. Are you? Then prove it.