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By Anna Parmas, Andrei Balashov
IT`S LUCK, NOT LOOKS THAT COUNTS!
Irena: Hi, I"m Ira Golubkova! This photograph seems to be the only one where I am almost not plump and even seem to be attractive. Until I"m five years old, my Daddy was still able to lift me but unfortunately he never used this opportunity. As to my Mom, I hardly remember her, maybe this very fragment...
Mother (baby talking): Ootie-pootie, ootie ... Oi! (waving her hand) Good gracious! Whom on earth did you take after, so ugly?
Irena: I also took interest in after whom, since in vicinity of many kilometres from our house there were only the taiga and bears. That"s why our Mom must have escaped from us when an opportunity presented itself with the first passer-through geologist.
Mother: I am an artistic personality, what Hollywood needs is me! You are to hear about me some day!
Irena: Since then I"ve never heard anything about my mom! She must have reached Hollywood. As to my Dad, he was strong and brisk; he was fond of me a great deal but never expressed his love.
-Daddy, am I beautiful?
Father: Ha! Ha-ha-ha! On the other hand, daughter, tastes differ! They do! Besides, beauty means nothing for a woman! What? You say I hit in your little leg? (he was whetting a scythe and threw it off carelessly) Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Irena: What really means, Daddy?
Father: I"ll tell it tomorrow, my daughter! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Irena: Daddy did not manage to tell me this that day because a bear had eaten him. So until I"m seventeen I lived in the forest alone. It was the happiest time of my life as none called me fat and ugly! On the night of my eighteenth anniversary I saw my Dad and Mom in my dream.
Mother: Dear my! Whom did you take after, so fat! Why don"t you try to eat less?
Father(to mother): Now it"s from the purpose! Shut up! Listen, daughter! Me and your Mom thought a little and made up our minds. Enough of your being kept in the forest! Make your way to the folks! Move to city! The more so because you"ve got your own relatives there! Nina, whatshername, her heart will fill with joy at seeing you!
Nina Zadova: Never heard of any nieces! Frankly speaking, my sister Claudia had got no daughters as I know! She lived as a cuckoo without kith or kin! Now one, now another ... Ha-ha-ha!
Sergeant Zadov (her hubby): Er, girlie! (licking a lollypop) You must have taken us for somebody else! So, sorry, get out of here! Yeah!
Nina Zadova: Go home!
Sergeant Zadov (his family name literally means Behind-ov): Have my lil lollipop and get lost!
Nina Zadova: (to husband, intercepting his lollipop and returning it into her hubby`s mouth) Thank you very much!
Irena: In spite of the coolness of our first meeting our kindred relationship was mended, and every weekend I stayed with my family. (we see her cleaning their flat and doing every housework as Cinderella while Sergeant Zadov the more he drank the more often looked at her behind)
Nina Zadova: Rub and polish stronger! There still left three specks of dust over there!
Sergeant Zadov: Ah! Never mind! She works double tides! Well done, my daughter! (to Nina) Sometimes I even think of offering her to our battalion commander to entertai ..., I mean she could easily replace two or three privates or even a truck tractor `Belarus`! I wish that tractor also wore the skirt!
Nina Zadova: A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (occasionally pushing her hubby`s hand with a cup of tea in it)
Sergeant Zadov: Nina! (in an injured voice) You"ve pushed me! I"ve burnt myself!
Nina Zadova: I am sorry!
Irena: The rest time of the week I spent in a tram depot where I spent the probation period as a rail layer. Oi! I almost forgot to tell that I had got two cousins, brother and sister!
Pasha (informal from Pavel, Paul): And this is ... (excitedly telling about computers and gadgets), by the way, it"s called a louse, souse , e-h-h-h-h!
Irena: A mouse!
Pasha: May I just touch your breasts? (as soon as he has touched, a flurry of punches boxed his ear)
Irena: Awfully sorry, Sir! Just by chance! Immediate reflex! As soon as someone attacks me, a bear or what, I start beating off! Does it hurt?
Pasha: Nothing special, but I feel like having my ears torn off! You"ve got rather a heavy little hand, I see!
Irena: May I ask you, Sir? You"ve just now sexually harassed me because you liked me as a woman or you`ve made up your mind that if I am so ugly I have nothing left and I`ll have to be a lady of easy virtue?
Pasha: The second answer would be right, frankly speaking.
Irena: Because of that they all try to harass me sexually!
Pasha: Well, go on playing ... use those .. joysticks ...But ... please don"t tell anybody, ma`am, that I touched you there, sexually harassed you ... or my cronies gonna laugh at me ...
Irena: Of course, I don"t. I understand it. I do promise you!
Pasha: So... How to put it... I must be blamed for it. Well, see ya later.
Tanya (sister of Pashka, Irena"s cousin): I"m so afraid of our having seen together as one can walk in the streets at night without a dog with your looks. Please, don"t tell anybody that you"re my relative, just say that you are our charlady hired to clean our WC pan. Well! Let"s go with God"s help!
Irena: My appearance in the yard was noticed by everybody.
Voices: Look! Godzilla revisited! Freak! Frankenstein monster!
Tanya: Shud up, you bastards! Just look who is approaching us!
Irena: As a beauty Tan`ka (informal from Tanya, Tatiana) was beyond any competition in the yard except for her bitter friend Yul`ka (informally from Yulia, i.e. Julia)
Yulia Oi! Hi, Tan`! (short for Tanya in the informal address) Nice wig! Or you"ve just washed your head?
Tanya: Still wearing second hand? On the other hand, you can wear all at your age!
Yulia: And this one, beside you, who"s she, eh? Your twin sister?
Irena: Nope! I am their housemaid! I clean their WC pans!
Yulia: You must have started taking shit a lot, so you need an urgent help as I can see now!
Tanya: Yes, we started, but at least we can afford of a paid housemaid! (to Irena) C"mon, Mrs. Charlady!
Irena: Recently Tan`ka has felt it more difficult to remain superior to Yul`ka in their war of words, because Yul`ka has had got a boyfriend from the leading energy company.
Tanya (trying her best to squeeze into the narrowest skirt): Now Yul`ka gonna die from envy. (by phone) Yulichka (tenderly from Yulia), hi there! Where, where to walk across? To window? A_A_A_A_A_A_A! (Yulia is in the expensive car with a handsome guy (in the background Max Raabe`s singing `Oh, baby, baby!`)) So, you"ve just returned from Milan? Bought anything?
Yulia: Well, trifles, open-toe sandals, though `Dolce Gabbana`, 500 bucks, net cash, two pairs, and a ringlet .. but it"s him who presented it to me, so to say, we` were engaged in the St. Catherine Cathedral (having heard it Tanya fainted).
Irena: The most important events in my life began right at the day when two bitter friends, Tan`ka and Yul`ka fell in love with the same guy riding his motorcycle.
Tanya (with admiration): What a fop!
Yulia (with admiration): Fucking freak! I can"t believe it! True fright!
Tanya (with admiration): An ultimate scoundrel!
Yulia (with admiration): Oi! Gonna feel like crying right now!
Tanya (knocking together with Yulia): Did ya see that bastard, eh?
Yulia: A perfect villain!
Tanya: I can swear this week he gonna be mine!
Yulia: What else?! He"s mine!
Tanya: I swear he"s mine!
Yulia: Let"s bet! (to Irena) Hey you, ugly mug, you"re a witness!
Irena (breaking their handshake to confirm it and making the girls fall down by this): Oi! Sorry!
Irena: Every single girl has got her own way of seduction. Yul`ka used what she`d had got by nature plus what she was presented by her guy from the energy company.
Yulia (to the guy on motorcycle): D`you like my car? I can give you to drive her for some time.
Guy: My motorcycle is faster!
Yulia: What about a chime? At least 12 disks changer! Super surround, surround sound!
Guy: I only like an engine sound!
Yulia: Gonna have some champagne and raspberries?
Guy: I prefer vodka!
Yulia: Gimme to taste it, do it! Ah! I"m so drunk! What are you doing with me, eh? What on earth are you doing ...? At last do anything with me, do what you want!
Irena: Hey, you, Sir, you are asked go upstairs to the flat number fifty five ...
Yulia: Fuck! Did anyone teach you that it was disgusting to break into a conversation?
Irena: Nope! I was growing in the taiga! My Dad was eaten by a bear, and my Mom left for Hollywood with a geologist.
Guy: Well, I go.
Yulia: Wait a moment! Wait...! Why you ... (about Irena in English) She"s a bitch!
Irena: Tan`ka`s way of temptation was a gastric transit! But it was me who cooked all.
Guy has overeaten himself with all that food and trying to kiss Tan`ka in vain has fallen fast asleep.
Tanya: Where"s that fucking creature? What have you put in his food?
Irena: I have not put anything there. Green products. The taiga recipes.
Tanya: The taiga! The tundra! Next time cook properly!
Irena: Strange! (tasting her food and not noticing that the guy`s just pretended to be sleeping and is watching furtively)
Guy: So it was you who`d cooked all that food? Tasty!
Irena: Oi! (being confused she"s running away)
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STREET RAILWAY, IRENA IS WORKING WITH A HEAVY AND SHARP HAMMER PICK. THE GUY IS NEARING ON HIS MOTOCYCLE
Guy: I see you are keep busy every single minute! I am right, aren"t I?
Irena: I just follow your example, Sir!
Guy: By the way, who you, I ought ..
Irena: A horse in orange coat! (orange jackets are the uniform of the road menders in Russia. - AAO)
Guy: I see it. I mean, for example, how are you related to Tan`ka?
Irena: That"s going to be far! Go away while you are still of one piece, or else my hammer pick gonna glide from my hands. It might hurt you!
Guy: I"m not panic. I wear my crash helmet. All right! See ya later! Bye!
Irena: I would have worked in the tram depot all week long, without days off, if Tan`ka and Yul`ka hadn"t had made up their minds to be auditioned at the Factory of Stars (the 90s-00s Russian TV project for the amateur singers to give them a chance to become a pop music star. - AAO).
Tanya (to Irena while she`s making her a stage dress out of Sergeant Zadov`s parade uniform): Just imagine, owing to his lover from the energy company, Yul`ka has got no problems with her wardrobe! We were clever enough to make the shorts from my Dad`s parade uniform! You are my Jack of all trades! Go on!
Sergeant Zadov: Tanya! My daughter! Do you know by chance where some pieces of my uniform are? I haven"t worn my parade uniform for ages! Did I always go to the parades dressed like that?
Tanya: It seems to me that you did.
Sergeant Zadov: I"d like to believe it too. On the other hand, it looks funny. Shit! My memory fails me! Dammit!
Irena: That very moment the fate of mine was at stake at the stair landing.
Guy (to the descending Pashka): Tarry a while, you Foureyesito, pass this note to your housemaid, well, that funny one, beefy type.
Pasha: To Irka (from Ira, Irena), do you mean her?
Guy: I don"t know her name.
Pasha: What will be my reward?
Guy (showing his fist): Get it in the neck if you don`t pass it!
Pasha: Well, I"ll pass. I"ve taken the hint!
Irena: While Pashka was running upstairs he invented a sinister design in his head. He decided to play a trick on his sister and me.
Pasha: Tanya, a note from your Banderas! Here it is!
Tanya: Gimme it!
Pasha: I gonna use it as a tissue! What will be my reward?
Tanya: I am going to spread a rumour in the courtyard that you have a love affair with a courtesan lady, a very rich and good-looking woman.
Pasha: It suits me! It really suits me! Here you are!
Tanya: Oi! He"s dated me! I gonna go!
Irena: What about your audition?
Tanya: Silence! Silence! Don"t tell anything! I know it. But why do I need an audition if I"ve got a message from a man I love? You can go and be auditioned yourself!
Irena: How can I go there myself? They only audition the beauties!
Irena`s Father: Beauty means nothing for a woman!
THE JURY. YUL`KA`S BEING AUDITIONED, VOICELESS SINGING OUT OF TUNE
Yulia: Tra-la-la ... A-a-a! A-a-a! There should be a black woman back singer and a Latino dancer in the background.
1st MEMBER OF THE JURY: Thank you, thank you! You may go!
Yulia: They should have rung up on the subject of me!
1st MEMBER OF THE JURY: We"ve been rung up!
2nd MEMBER OF THE JURY: We"ll phone you.
1st MEMBER OF THE JURY: That way, please!
2nd MEMBER OF THE JURY: Thank you very much!
Yulia: You may ring me up late.
1st MEMBER OF THE JURY: Uhu! Understood.
2nd MEMBER OF THE JURY: Understood. Thank you very much. Fine.
Yulia (to herself): Whether they phoned or they didn"t, can"t understand anything.
Irena`s turn to be auditioned
1st MEMBER OF THE JURY (to his colleague): A very original face! Our name?
2nd MEMBER OF THE JURY (looking through the list): Tatiana ... sorry, Zadova?
Irena: Yes, I mean, yes!
2nd MEMBER OF THE JURY: What shall we sing?
Irena: Aria of Tatiana from the opera `Evgeniy Onegin`.
AT HOME
Tanya (to Irena): Marvelous, it was marvelous. We rode round entire Moscow on his motorcycle. Dir-dir-dir, dir-dir-dir! (imitating the engine sound) Then we visited a big cinema, all crystals and mirrors, and marble, and we kissed sitting in the rear row, ate ice cream and pop corn. This and that. It"s a ringlet which he presented me. So to say, engagement, like that Yul`ka had got. Yes! Yes! Yes! Just look at it! Dandy, ain`t it?
Irena: Did he ask anything about me?
Tanya: Nope! Though ... he said that you were ugly, kind of... your housemaid is such a fright that you must be afraid of going to your loo at nights. But he stressed that you cleaned properly.
Yulia (by phone): Hi, friend! Congratulations!
Tanya: Thank you very much! I am a winning party, he"s mine now! Right?
Yulia: Who"s he? I mean the audition, The Factory of Stars! You were selected. How did you manage? Who helped you?
Tanya: My beauty and talent! (to Irena in an injured voice) You were at the Factory of Stars for me? What had you on?
IN THE STREET
Tanya: Who else could choose these ugly spectacles and headscarf? So you"ve grasped it, you will sing for me behind the curtain. Do not appear on stage, stand still. It"s me who will be radiant on the stage. We"ll form a super duet! Su-per!
Guy: Ira, I must talk with you.
Tanya: She does not want to speak with you.
Guy: Ira, why do you send Tanya instead of you on a date?
Irena: I did not send anybody. It"s you who called her with your message.
Guy: I invited you, not her! Tanya, gimme back the ringlet of my mother which you stole from me.
Tanya: Here you are! Who made you give it to me ... now you are taking it back! Hold it! I hope it chokes you!
Irena: Tanya! Why have you been deceiving me? You, my sister!
Guy: Sister? She said you were their housemaid!
Tanya: Well. Fuck off y`all! As to me, I am awaited by fame and success.
Guy: Ira-a-a, do you want me to take you for a drive?
Irena: Thus, my story came to its end. You"d like to know for sure what was then. Tan`ka almost succeeded in becoming a star. She"d signed the contract before the manager listened to her. They paid her a huge fine. As to me I met my man at last. (we see her and the Guy ride on his motorcycle) I"m very happy! It"s strange but none wondered at our romance. What if my Dad was right, and beauty means nothing for a woman? Then what?
THE END
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