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The mature woman, actress and singer Lyudmila Pashkova (actress Lyudmila Gurchenko), keeps dreaming of her great career despite her age. She has to work as an ordinary master of the ceremonies of the amateurs` contest in the famous Russian Crimean resort. She directs the audience and makes holiday-makers conform the certain unwritten rules. Her bosom friend, a lady accordionist Tatiana Ptashuk (actress Tatiana Vasiliyeva) supports her. Abusing their employment status both divorced ladies silently, but desperetely dreaming of their husbands` return were from time to time amusing themselves by keeping down and humiliating under the various plausible pretexts the handsome men of their own, middle age. Once they noticed and called from his seat a man, someone Goodkov (actor Mikhail Derzhavin), a holidaymaker from Murmansk, and he sang an unknown song. This event started the new `Crimean war` between him and two viragos.
`My Lady Sailor ` ("Моя морячка") (1990) 6:15 - 9:45
MC: Who else would like to partake the contest of the amateur talents? Ah? What about you, a gentleman wearing the blue cap. Do not turn, I mean you. Today it`s only you who has such an elegant cap on! Will you take chances? May you walk up?
Goodkov: I may.
MC: Fine! Let`s greet the comrade. You`re welcome. Introduce yourself. Who you? Where are you from?
Goodkov: My name is Mikhal Mikhalitch Goodkov. I am from Murmansk. You all sing here, so I`d like to sing too. D`ya know the song `My Lady Sailor`?
MC: No, we don`t. Choose something else.
Goodkov: Then can I play your accordion myself?
MC: Oh, my comrades. It`s a serious claim of winning the main prize! Tatiana Petrovna, will you agree to give him your accordion?
GOODKOV`S PERFORMING A FOLKISH VARIANT OF THE `MY LADY SAILOR`:
When the sea is rough as never,
When there rages a hurricane,
Come to me, my lady sailor,
I will share with you my love.
I will share, I will share,
I will share with you my love!
I adore your lips, my dear,
I adore your shining eyes,
I will not forget them, dear,
I can swear by my life!
I will not, I will not,
I can swear by my life!
When the sea is calm as never,
When the hurricane blows out,
I will come to you, my sailor,
I will give you all my love.
I will give, I will give,
I will give you all my love!
MC: Very, very good, comrade Goodkov. Let`s thank comrade Goodkov for his sincere song and name the winners of the present contest of the amateur talents. The main prize goes to the little girl from Kharkov City Olya Makova.
Goodkov: I wonder why I haven`t been given a main prize? Just because she`s little?
MC: Not at all. It`s not the case.
SINCE THAT VERY MOMENT COMRADE GOODKOV MADE UP HIS MIND TO `STARVE OUT` THE UNFAIR LADIES!
`My Lady Sailor` 15:20 - 18:34
MC: Now we start our main contest `Talents, where are you?`Are their volonteers?
Goodkov: Yes, there`s.
MC: You`re welcome. He`s going to sing a song `My Lady Sailor! Please, Sir!
GOODKOV IS SINGING
MC: What is going to sing our next performer?
THE NEXT PERFORMER IS SINGING HER SONG TERRIIBLY OUT OF TUNE AS WELL AS ALMOST ALL AMATEUR SINGERS ARE EXCEPT FOR COMRADE GOODKOV
MC: It`s a pleasure for me to get to know that the audience appreciated the vocal talent of comrade Goodkov. But he discovered his talent himself, without our help. Therefore the prize goes to Katya Semenova from Zhmerinka! Our congratulations! Clap, clap everybody! Applause!
Goodkov: But it`s me who has deserved the prize, right?
MC: No, you haven`t understood me. You haven`t deserved the prize because you sing a very stupid song. Where did you get it? What a silly ditty, but you keep singing it every time.
Goodkov: Are you kidding? You`ve heard that people liked it very much. There was a storm of applause!
MC: Never mind! What matters is if I like it or not! But I don`t! I am an only jury here!
`My Lady Sailor` 23:12 - 28:46
MC: Now I announce our contest `Where are you, talents!` Are there any paricipants?
Goodkov: They are.
MC: That comrade is a permanent particpant, so let`s listen to a novice.
THE NOVICE IS ROARING HIS SONG
Goodkov (to accompanist): Can you lend me your instrument for a while?
Accompanist: As a rule, I never let my accordion the strangers FREE, you were lucky to be the first one as a guest, but now that you got the habit of singing and playing every single day ...
Goodkov: Then simply accompany me!
Accompanist: I avoid of playing the homemade and dubious songs!
Goodkov: What if I rent your instrument for five minutes?
Accompanist: This is a deal! Capitalism has come here, so what if I charge ten rubles per minute?
Goodkov: How much? Are you kidding? Have you got a price list?
Accompanist: What price list? I`m an owner, I ask what I want!
MC: Where`s that Goodkov? Ready?
Goodkov: Introduce me to the audience.
MC: Do it yourself as you`re a lessee!
Accompanist: Can I do it for you, Sir? For extra pay! Ten rubles!
Goodkov: What next? Just look at this park of culture and leisure! (to the audience) Comrades! Ladies and gentlemen! Girls and boys! I want to get the prize confiming my talent! That`s why I come here every single day to sing my single song! I am Mikhail Goodkov from Murmansk! I gonna sing `My lady sailor!`
MC: One minute, please! I want to note that it`s the third attempt of comrade Goodkov. The previous ones failed. Ha-ha, ha-ha! Talent is like money, either you`ve got it or not! We wish him every success, and we`ll be his ardent fans!
GOODKOV IS SINGING
Accompanist (to MC): Lyudok (informal from Lyudmila. - АП), we`ll have to award him!
MC: Over my dead body! (After Goodkov has finished, MC`s announcing) We`ve just been informed that comrade Goodkov is occured to be a professional performer! He is an artiste of the Murmansk regional philarmonic society! But we do not give our prizes to the professionals! We are the amateur contest!
Goodkov: If you made up your mind to declare me a professional singer then you admit my talent!
MC: Sometimes amateur performers are better than professionals.
Accompanist: Your left hand played out of tune!
Goodkov: Fuck! That`s untrue! You are out of tune playing both hands! You`re an artistic mafia! I demand my lawful prize!
MC: Tighten your belt, Sir!
Goodkov: I am an ordinary holiday-maker! (The ladies have even asked him to show them a document confirming that he is ordinary and not professional).
MC: We, workers of culture, cannot approve of such a primitive song! We can`t!
Goodkov: But this is but a song of the ordinary sailor who sings what he thinks and what he feels!
MC:Lady Sailor! How ridiculous! A-haha-hah-ha! It`s but impossible! Do your lady sailors take off their striped vests to wave them and express their admiration of your song?
Goodkov: No, they don`t! But they encored me three times!
MC: Better sing that song when you are in high seas!
Goodkov: But I am not a sailor, I am an engineer of the ship-repairing yard!
MC: Really?! So that's why I felt insincerity in your singing! You will never get you prize as you have never felt pitching, hurricanes and salty splashes!
Goodkov: Wake up! It`s not your own prize but that of our park of culture and leisure! So I`ll get it by all means! Morever, it`ll be you who will hand it to me! Personally! Mikhail Goodkov isn`t a loser!
MC: We are even less so!
Goodkov: We`ll see!
MC: We`ll see. Who knows what if pigs may fly! (to Accompanist): Tanya! It`s a casus belli!
Accompanist: At war like at war(Accompanist is playing a famous Soviet military march).
`My Lady Sailor` 32:50 - 34:46
MC: Just listen, folks! Comrade Goodkov is singing his cordial song better and better! Is there anybody ready to challenge his courage and talent? People should have a choice, after all!
(A boy wearing white shirt, by the way, son of MC) They are!
MC: Oh! What a surprise! What will you perform?
Boy: A tap-dance! Please, accompany me!
BOY`S IMITATING A NUMBER BY THE FAMOUS CZECH POP STAR JIRZI KORN TO THE TUNE OF THE SONG `SUZIE, SUZIE`*
MC: Comrades, now everyone sings! Every who can breathe in a portion of air in their lungs. Therefore songs are not a deficit now! By that reason our prize goes to our dancer! Comrade Goodkov, aren`t I right?
Goodkov: Today your verdict is true. I agree.
`My Lady Sailor` 35:15 -37:10
Accompanist (to MC): Lyudok, see your `My lady sailor` coming!
MC (to an amateur performer): Thank you, Olga! Who else wants to perform?
Goodkov: I want to!
MC: Before being admitted guess three riddles. (Goodkov fails to guess them) That`s pity, but comrade Goodkov has got no access to our contest. Comrade Goodkov, take your seat, please!
`My Lady Sailor` 44:05 -53:24
(MC`S SON AND HIS GIRLFRIEND DECIDED TO HELP GOODKOV TO WIN MC AND TAUGHT HIM ALL HER TRICKS AND CATCHES)
MC: Our contest `Where are you, talents?` Who wants to?
A young beauty (actress Lyubov` Polishchuk): I want to! Lady, I say, I feel like dancing!
(Goodkov has appeared playing the Russian Navy march `The Varyag` and accompanist tries to drown it in sounds of the Khachaturian`s The Sabre Dance)
MC: Well, you`ll have to wait for your turn. Besides, respected comrades, you`ll have to remember the Russian proverbs that contain the word :`seven`.
(After the first two particpants had answered, Goodkov tried to join, but was stopped)
MC: Goodkov, I`ve got a more complicated task for you. Go! `There was a person with his son, but he wasn`t a father of his son, so whom is this person for him?`
Audience: Stepfather! Brother-in-law!
Goodkov: This person was his mother!
MC: This is the right answer. But since comrade Goodkov visited all our contests he could have heard the right answer. So I have to ask him an extra question.
Goodkov: Do it! But it must be the last one!
MC: A room has got four corners with a cat in every corner, three cats came out, how many cats are left?
Goodkov: Logically speaking, one. But in reality only two.
MC: Why?
Goodkov: One cat came in again!
Young beauty: I say, lady! Let`s begin! Gonna dance the lambada!
MC: A minute of patience, woman. Why are you so peppy, ma`am? Besides lambada is usually danced twosome!
Young beauty: It`s so hard to find a partner deserving my attention. So I haven`t got any! And I do NOT need it and gonna prove it right now!
MC: It`s intriguing! And very much so! Tatiana Petrovna, Lambada!
YOUNG BEAUTY IS DANCING. HER MOTIONS AND GESTURES ARE GETTING MORE AND MORE EROTIC AND SEXY!
MC (to Accompanist): Tanya, what is it. Another freak for us!
Acompanist (to MC): Kinda sexual maniac! A serial lover!
MC: Lady, get up!
Young beauty: I haven`t finished yet!
MC: We have succeeded in appreciating your unique talent, ma`am!
THE NEXT PARTICPANT IS PARODYING OF BREZHNEV
MC (to Accompanist): Usually none`s ready to perfom but now one nightmare after another!
Accompanist (to MC): I am afraid of our being accused of political incorrectness!
MC(to Accompanist): So am I. Thank you! Enough! Step aside, please! We`ve the third participant, well-known Mikhail Goodkov from Murmansk! Comrade Goodkov could have also caricatured both the political leadership and opposition, but instead of it he preferred to sing an innocent, teethless song to avoid any possible conflicts. Let me announce its title `My lady sailor!` The same song, the same singer, one more time!
GOODKOV IS SINGING
MC (to Accompanist): Hot day!
Acompanist(to MC): The 22nd! Geophysical disturbances!
MC (to Accompanist): Every day, however, is disturbed geophisycally for us!
Acompanist (to MC): Bad horoscope, I s`pose! I say, Lyuda, do give these prizes to all!
MC(to Accompanist): And to `My lady sailor`?
Acompanist(to MC): Are you kidding?
PEOPLE IS CHANTING: GOODKOV! GOODKOV! GOODKOV!
MC: I`ve consulted with Tatiana Petrovna and decided that the prize should go to Alex Mikhailov, our parodist!
A young beauty: Are you crazy? It`s me who has deserved the prize! Aren`t I right?
Goodkov: I think it`s me who`s deserved it too, but our highly respected MC is an authoritarian leader.
A young beauty: Let`s repeat it. Let the audience take the final decision!
Goodkov: I support!
A young beauty: Whom would you give your prize?
Oriental Prince in the first row: I`ve got a special prize for you, ma`am! A set of the French cosmetics!
A young beauty: This prize will be fine with me! I agree! Immediate deselection!
THE AUDIENCE IS CHANTING: GOODKOV! GOODKOV!
Accompanist (to MC): Just look at this orgy of democracy. Earlier they would have accepted any decision. But now everything serves as a pretext for their rallies and protests. They could never argue with animators in the past!
MC: Prize has been handed. No use of protesting. My and Tatiana`s time expired, stay with your Goodkov as long as you want. Level of radiation in the Crimea is (so and so). Temperature of air is ... . Temperature of water is ... . (to Goodkov) Maestro, you`ve won by majority voting!
`My Lady Sailor` 1:06
GOODKOV OCCURRED TO BE NOT AN ENGINEER BUT A CHIEF DIRECTOR OF A TREND-SETTING MOSCOW THEATRE. HIS COMPANY SUFFERED FROM THE QUALITY PERSONNEL SHORTAGE, AND HE REMEMBERED THE MC. HE RETURNED TO THE CRIMEAN RESORT
MC: We are all talented. But we are rarely aware of it! And now you`ve got an excellent opportunity to know if you`ve got a talent. Be brave, comrades. Come on! Where are you, talents? Oh! I can`t believe my eyes!
Accompanist: Mikhail Goodkov! Our dear `My Lady Sailor`!
MC: Dear friends! What a big luck! Our winner! And a land sailor from Murmansk! Mikhail Goodkov with his song `My Lady Sailor!` Meet him! What`s happened? You`ve lost your voice?
Goodkov: I do not feel like singing!
MC: Why did you come?
Goodkov: I came to see you! I was missing you! I gonna spend this evening with you.
MC: Me? I can`t believe it! Come off it, ha-ha-ha! On the other hand, I gonna think it over. And now we have to go on with our contest. Who wants to sing, dance an recite poems? Why are you so dull now, comrades? Comrade Goodkov, help us please! I want everyone to listen to the talent we had discovered in here! Strange! Earlier you sang everyday!
Accompanist: You left us and we regretted that we had not written down the lyrics and music of your famous song!
MC: I ask you personally, sing for us!
Goodkov: For you ... of course, I`ll do it! Besides, Tatiana Petrovna asks too. And I`ll do it with great pleasure! May I have your accordion?
Accompanist: Comrade Goodkov, may I accompany you myself?
Goodkov: I`d be only glad! (They`re singing l`in chorus).
THE DREAMS CAME TRUE. THE STRANGE HOLIDAY ROMANCE OF THE MC CAME TO A HAPPY END
THE END
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*Jiri Korn is an oustanding Czech and East German pop singer, actor and excellent dancer of the 2nd part of the 20th c. The really nice entertainer, a superstar. He was popular in the USSR in the 70-80s of the 20th c. My fave artiste, by the way.
Žal se odkládá Sung by Jiri Korn https://youtu.be/liS_be9MK00
THE PASTSICKNESS: HOW NICE IT HAD ALREADY BEEN!
The chief choreographers of the famous East Germany variety show ballet Fernsehballet during the `Ein Kessel Buntes` (`A Many-Coloured Kettle`) epoch of the 70-80s of the 20 c. were Hungarian dancers and balletmasters
Martina and Ferenc Salmayer
Ferenc Istvan Salmayer, his wife Martina and Emöke Pöstenyi. Mr. Salmayer was an artistic leader of the ballet company.
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Choreographer Emöke Pöstenyi
In the 90s they gave way to the next generation of the Fernsehballet soloists and choreographers like Ophelia Vilarova, André Höhl,Cristina Kochmann, Maik Damboldt, and Carsten Rietschel. Then came the time of quasi-Broadway shows in Germany, and Czech artistes started singing in English. A cultural Cargocult!
The regular guests of the East Germany variety shows in the the 70-80s were Czech stars, my fave Jiří Korn, in particular. He
Fernsehballett and Jiri Korn - Hallo Sandmann https://youtu.be/XRZEoP_qk4I
commanded perfect German and moved very gracefully, manoeuvring among half-naked dancing girls. How nice it had already been!
Brigitta Nass (East Germany), Jiří Korn (Czech Republic) and Fernsehballett (TV Ballet) https://youtu.be/QBfL0m1nHYo
Pastsickness! Nostalgia! (Please, do not think that I`m 90-year old grand-daddy! I`m simply old-fashioned and classical, and
East Germany and Czechia are my old love). One may say that the East German artistes also used the definetely American melodies,
`Sandman`, etc. Yes, they did, they really did. They used `em as masters then rather than slaves now. They were on par, so to say.
They were self-sufficient, independent and free.
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