Пряхин Андрей Александрович :
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Huss In Boots
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Школа кожевенного мастерства: сумки, ремни своими руками
© Copyright
Пряхин Андрей Александрович
(
mr.lokhar@mail.ru, andrewalexowie@aol.co.uk
)
Размещен: 10/02/2019, изменен: 17/08/2019. 31k.
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Аннотация:
HUSS IN BOOTS: GONNA TALK BAWDY AND WOO YOU AGAIN!
HUSS IN BOOTS: GONNA TALK BAWDY AND WOO YOU AGAIN!
A compendium of funny stories describing the life and love affairs of a Russian tomcatish folkloric character Lieutenant
Rzewski numbers about 400 episodes. Lieutenant Rzewski, Dmitry Rzewski was a hussar of the Mariupol Hussar Regiment
(judging by his uniform), though some experts consider him to have been a hussar of the Pavlogradsky Hussar Regiment
(a small city near Dnepropetrovsk).
The matter is that in the play `Long, long time ago` by Alexandre Gladkov and then in the Eldar Ryazanov`s movie `The
Hussar Ballad` from that play the authors put into his mouth the words of his having allegedly been a hussar in Pavlograd.
Due to this a monument to the lieutenant was erected in Pavlograd rather than in Mariupol.
A frame from the Russian feature film The Hussar Ballad (1962). We see lieutenant Rzewski (actor Yuri Yakovlev)
wearing a uniform of the Mariupol Hussar Regiment while cornet Alexandra Azarova (actress Larissa Golubkina),
the Russian Lady Hussar (there was such a cavalry lady in the history of the Russian army) wears a uniform of the
Sumsky Hussar Regiment.
Despite his manners lieutenant belonged to the High Society, and as a result his social environment included Alexandre
Pushkin (as his relative), ensign Obolensky, lieutenant Golitsin, and characters of The War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.
The noblemen Rzewskis (common Polish and Russian family name) lived in Voronezh, Kursk, Tula, Moscow, Orel,
Ryazan and St. Petersburg, but all of them originated from ancient Rzew City. The Rzewskis were first registered in
a chronicle dated back to 1315. In 19 c. landlord Rzewski sold his lands to the Russian Navy for a firing ground
existing up to now, near St. Petersburg. In the 17 c. lieutenant Yuri Rzewski was sent to Italy by Peter the Great to learn
navigation. He was a grandgrandfather of Alexandre Pushkin. Two Rzewskis partook the 1st Great Patriotic War of
1812-1814.
Good hussar at rest. Porcelain by Lyudmila Arkhipova.
By the way, many Rzewskis were really replicas of their folkloric generalized character (judging by memoirs of the Russian
High Society ladies from the very best regulated families like the Volkonskis). Many were hussars too. It`s interesting that
there`s even a serious, rather elevated Russian classical ballet dedicated to lieutenant Rzewski! It was staged by the
Krasnoyarsk Opera and Ballet Theatre (Krasnoyarsk City in Eastern Siberia, Russia) as `The Hussar Ballad`
ballet-vaudeville
https://youtu.be/uocYOSeATIw
(record of 26 November, 2011) (music by Tikhon Khrennikov (edited by Tikhon
Khrennikov Jr.)).
Some of you (I was like you too) would unavoidably conclude: `Ugh, how vulgar`n`foul!` But do not be haste with your
conclusions. The Rzewski funny stories are the real mines with a delayed explosion. Having read this staff you put it
down, but next day going to work or attending an important conference you`ll remember my lieutenant`s adventures and you`ll
have to laugh until you cry.
As to me, I even fainted for a moment when I experienced this feeling for the very first time. I call this a phenomenon
of `the skin hat made of an ape`s bum`. When there appeared ladies` hats made of leather and furry fringe in Russia (the leather
fur hats) the Russian called them the `the skin hats made of an ape`s bum`. When I heard it I found it quite vulgar. But next day
I entered an elevator and I saw a little lady wearing that very hat, I looked at the `bum skin` (leather) on top of her fur hat, and I
burst out laughing in hysterics. This is the Renaissance humour, Boccaccio, Rablais, Ulrich von Guten, Leonardo da Vinci, etc.
In a word, you can never know when, where you are to laugh and whether to laugh or cry. So laugh with me, laugh for me
and do it better than me.
Mach mit, mach's nach, mach's besser!
And never cry!
Keiser of Germany Wilhelm II in the Russian Hussar Uniform
The close relative of a literary character of Rzewski is
Der treue Husar
(the Faithful Hussar) from Cologne (Koeln) in
Germany
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=FLqiaXBmJFI
You may say that Rzewski was an unfaithful hussar. Yes, he was. But he was fond of ladies as the fair sex, he was a ladies`
man. And women appreciated it.
LIEUTENANT RZEWSKI: LIFE & ADVENTURES
Hussar
: I wish I could sting you just one time and died! (
or
: I would just sting you once and die!)
Lady
: Skip it! You are not a bee! You are a hussar!
ТРУСИКИ - ЛУЧШЕЕ СРЕДСТВО ОТ ПЕРХОТИ
Lieutenant Rzewski met Natasha Rostova at the High Society Ball.
Rzewski
: I see you"re without your knickers!
Natasha
: How have you guessed, lieutenant?!
Rzewski
: There"s some dandruff on your shoes!
He must have forgotten to wear his panties too! https://youtu.be/LZVcJ5OXrhg
Lieutenant, money! What money, ma`am? I"ve blabbed you a military secret!
I FORGIVE ALL WHOM I OWE, OR JEUNE PREMIER
Once lieutenant Rzewski woke up in a brothel. At dawn while putting on
his boots he`s heard a woman`s voice:
- Lieutenant, your money!
Rzewski
: Leave it! Hussars never take money from ladies!
BED ANONYMOUS
Lady at the Grand Ball
: `Lieutenant, we spent night together yesterday. But now you haven"t
even noticed me as if we were strangers.`
Rzewski
: `Sorry, ma`am, but bed is not a pretext for an acquaintance!`
ESPRIT DE CORPS
Lieutenant Rzewski in officers` gathering:
-Yesterday I visited Countess N. Suddenly her husband was back.
-And what was further?
-I did my best not to abuse the cloth!
-?!
-I killed all the clothes moths in the wardrobe.
BITTER BUT SWEET
Night. Doorknock. An alarmed female voice: `Who`s there?`
-Lieutenant Rzewski, ma`am!
-Gonna talk bawdy and woo me again?
-And how!
-Wait a minute, gotta find a key.
DISUNITY OF COMMAND
Natasha Rostova
: Ah! Ah! More, more, lieutenant... farther more ... deeper ... now freeze!
Lieutenant Rzewski
: Ma`am, I`m sorry, but I can`t understand who`s screwing whom?
What`s the matter, lieutenant? Ma`am, a grain of sand in the condom
is much worse than a small stone in the boot!
NIGHTINGALE
Natalie Rostova
(to her mom)
: Maman! Just fancy! Lieutenant Rzewski
knows a lot of obscene ditties!
Mother
: Did he sing them for you?
Natalie
: Of course, not! He only whistled them.
División Azul
Before the High Society Ball Party lieutenant Rzewski asked poet Pushkin who was his distant relative to write a pun in a French
style for him so that he could share it with other officers. Pushkin responsed immediately: `You`re
un
con
& he`s
un con
, but I`m Le Vicomte de Bragelonne`. In full swing of the Grand Ball Rzewski announced: `Gentleman,
I`ve been told a remarkable pun by Monsieur Pouchkine. I can`t recall it, but the meaning is that you are all gays,
but I am d'Artagnan!`
Rzewski revisited: `Ah, lieutenant! Cover me
one more time! Madam, I haven"t recovered myself yet!`
HONEY AND THE BEE
Natasha Rostova came back home with the swollen cheek.
Mother
: Natalie, my God, what has happened?
Natasha
: We were boating with lieutenant Rzewski when a bee all of a sudden landed right on my cheek!
Mother
: It stung you, my dear?
Natasha
: It was about to do it when my courageous lieutenant killed it with his oar!
Wow! Colonel, look what pretty girls in view!!!
They are pretty for you, lieutenant. For me they`re a just a view!
THE FIXED DREAM
(A very old general in bed with his pretty young wife)
After waking up in the middle of the
night the general saw lieutenant Rzewski petting his wife.
General
(rather fiercely)
: `What`s going on?`
Lieutenant Rzewski
: `Do not believe your eyes, Sir! This is but your dream!`
General
: `My dream?! Just think, lieutenant, it has been the same dream for three weeks!`
UNDER ARMS
Ensign Obolensky asked lieutenant Rzewski:
-Sir, be so kind to explain me the main symptoms of the venereal diseases!
Rzewski
: Judging by Venus of Milo, it`s arms` fragility.
STELLAR ASTRONOMY
Lieutenant Rzewski at the High Society Ball in loud:
-Gonna go and take a leak!
People around
: Hush! You should`ve said: `Gonna go and look at stars!`
Rzewski went out and when was back grasped a wineglass.
People around
: Lieutenant, you should`ve washed your hands!
Lieutenant
: Don`t worry, messieursdames! I was holding my telescope
with one hand!
Colonel`s wife
:
Just look, lieutenant. My colonel drills
privates on the parade ground!
Lieutenant Rzewski
:
Ma`am! If a commander can"t
screw his own wife, he `screws` his subordinates!
THOU SHALT NOT MAKE THEE ANY GRAVEN IMAGE
Dancing with Pierre Bezukhoff Natasha Rostova noted:
-I can`t marry you, monsieur. You`re not as clever as Mr. Shelock Holmes is and not so kind as Dr. Watson
is. Pierre retreated hastily and ... shot himself.
Then she was engaged by Count Bolkonsky. During the dance Natasha made up her mind and confessed:
-Andrei, I can`t marry you. I`m sorry. You`re not as clever as Mr. Shelock Holmes is and not so kind as Dr.
Watson is. Bolkonsky clicked his heels together, went out and shot himself.
There was a turn of lieutenant Rzewski. After another turn of the waltz Natasha
addressed the lieutenant:
`Look here, Rzewski! You`re not as clever as Mr. Shelock Holmes is and not so kind as Dr. Watson is`.
The lieutenant, however, said:
-That`s right, Natasha! But on the other hand, I can fuck better that Baskerville dog can!
Andrei Bolkonsky, Pierre Bezukhov and Natasha Rostova
THE SWAN LAKE
Lieutenant Rzewski and Natasha Rostova are walking around the pond with swans.
-Would you like to become a swan, lieutenant?
-Save me from that, Natasha. Just fancy, bare ass in cold water!
HANDS OFF!
Lieutenant Rzewski has got a plastered hand. His brother-officers ask him:
-Lieutenant, what`s happened? Your hand`s in a plaster.
-I didn`t understand it myself, gentlemen. Yesterday I danced with Natasha
Rostova at the Grand Ball when her husband Pierre Bezukhoff ran up to us and kicked her between her thighs.
HORNY CORNY
Lieutenant Rzewski and Natasha Rostova are having sex.
Almost driven into ecstasies Natasha is screaming:
-Lieutenant, you must be wearing a prickly condom!!!
-No, Natalie. It"s just my hard corn!
HE SAID IT WAS ALL BALLS!
Three ladies in a compartment of the sleeping carriage are discussing what the most painful is, to giving a birth,
abortion or defloration. As the they couldn`t come to the common opinion they asked an opinion of lieutenant
Rzewski who was their travel companion. Lieutenant said:
-The most painful thing, ladies, is when your balls are hit with a cast-iron frying pan.
RIDDLE WRAPPED IN ENIGMA
Natasha Rostova
: `Lieutenant, gonna ask the riddles! What is it, small, grey, and - swish! -
it slips into a hole?
Lieutenant Rzewski
: Shame on you, Natasha! It`s inappropriate!
-Come on, lieutenant. It`s just a little mouse!
-Mouse? In the pussy? It`s so sudden! I would have never guessed!
THE AUSTRALIAN BILLIARD
Lieutenant Rzewski wants to go the Grand Ball. He asks his valet to tell him something interesting so that he could
later amuse the ladies.
Valet
: Do you know how the native Australians catch the ostriches? Now then! They go to desert, dig the holes,
shave their heads and bury themselves in the sands but not all the way. Their heads bald as billiard balls remain on the
surface. The ostriches think that they`re eggs, sit down and are caught for dinner.
The High Society Ball`s under way and going with a swing. The lieutenant has gathered the ladies around him and begun his story.
-Dear ladies, wanna get to know the way the native Australians catch the ostriches? They go to desert, shave their heads,
bury themselves in the sands leaving their balls above the surface. The ostriches think that it`s their eggs, sit down and
are caught for dinner.
The ladies have exchanged glances:
-Lieutenant, why do they shave their heads then?
-I don`t know. It must be a ritual or like that. In a word, Australia!
Entrance of Emperor Alexander I and Empress Elizaveta Alexeyevna (born Louise Marie Auguste von Baden).
They open the Grand Ball with Polonaise No one can move like they do today! So mildly and gracefully!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjprn_6zRAM
WHAT`S THE WEATHER IS LIKE TONIGHT?
While dancing with Natalie Rostova at the High Society Ball lieutenant Rzewski felt like taking a leak. He excused
politelly and while tinkling got his boots and trousers wet. When going on with his dance he was asked by
Natalie: `Is it raining outdoors?` His answer, however, was:
-But it`s not! Rather windy!
NO SHIT?!
Dancing with Pierre Besukhoff Natasha Rostova noted:
-I no longer will dance with you, monsieur. There`s a stain on your suit!
Pierre retreated hastily and hanged himself.
Then she was engaged by Count Bolkonsky. During the dance she said:
-Andrei, I no longer will dance with you. You`ve tied your tie in a wrong way!
Bolkonsky clicked his heels together, went out and hanged himself.
There was a turn of lieutenant Rzewski. After another turn of the waltz Natasha
addressed the lieutenant: `Look here,Rzewski! Your boots are dirty! I no longer
will dance with you!
-That`s wrong, Natasha! It`s not dirt, it`s shit! Gonna fall off after getting dry!
No problem!
KINGSFOLK
1812, the 1st Patriotic War in Russia. Alexandre I is observing a battlefield through the terrestrial telescope.
Suddenly a cannon ball has plopped down ready to blast him off! Lieutenant Rzewski is immediately throwing it
out of the trench and defending the king with his body. Boom! Everyone is feeling deaf, yet alive and kicking.
The King
: Lieutenant, you`ve saved my life! Ask whatever you want!
Rzewski
: Your Majesty, General Ivanov doesn`t permit his daughter to marry me.
The King
: Call that general! General, I think it would be right if this hero could marry your daughter.
Alexandre I
General
: I wouldn`t object, Sire, but Rzewski is a lieutenant while I am a general.
The King
: If so I think that your daughter not gonna refuse to marry field marshal Rzewski.
General
: But I am a Count while Rzewski is a poor, ordinary nobleman.
The King
: No longer, general. He is the Grand Duke Rzewski.
General
: But he`s not accepted at Court!
The King
: He`s been my titled brother since now!
Rzewski
: I say, Shoora! (
Sasha, Shoora, Sanya are the informal forms of a name
`Alexandre` in Russian
) Fuck him off! We can find dames without him!
COURT OF HONOUR, OR INJURED INNOCENCE
Rzewski is being discussed by the board of officers. The matter is a very noble lady fell out of her carriage
when driving by his house.
Rzewski
: I have no idea how it could happen at all! I was just standing on the threshold of my house in my
usual way. Necktie, pince-nez and house slippers!
RZEWSKI`S INITIATIVE
-Gentlemen, let"s bathe our horses in champagne!
-We can"t, lieutenant, it"s too expensive; we have not been paid for three months!
-That"s pity! Then let"s throw some beer on a cat at least!
LITERAL UNDERSTANDING
-Gentlemen, enough!
Basta!
Para!
Cards and cards and cards! What if to go to the theatre for a change!
I"ve heard there gonna be `The Three Sisters` there tonight!
Lieutenant Rzewski
: Great! There are three of us right!
A CLIMBING SPUR
Once a lady from the High Society made up her mind to yield to lieutenant Rzewski, but warned him beforehand
to take off his shoed riding boots when climbing the ladder lest their spurs could jingle and awaken her old
auntie.
Night! Rzewski has entered the mansion. The lady hears a strange sound similar to the scraping off! When
Rzewski has been on the threshold of the bedroom lady exclaimed,
-Didn`t I ask you to climb without your boots?
-But I have no boots on! They are standing downstairs!
-Then what was that?
-I don`t know. But I guess it must be my toenails!
A duel - Rzewski and Natasha vs. a slanderer!
FREEDOM OF CHOICE
-Lieutenant, you are a coward and rascal. I demand satisfaction! Sabre or pistol?
-Your choice!
-Sabre!
-Good! As to me I gonna have my pistol.
BECOMING RELATED
Lieutenant Rzewski to Pierre Bezukhoff:
- You know, Pierre, I am kinda your father now.
- What's the cause?
-I`ve banged your mother-in-law!
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, OR SUPERNATURAL
Ensign Obolensky
: Lieutenant, you become close with the ladies very fast.
What`s your secret?
